It’s pilot season, which means for the next
couple/few weeks everyone is going to be wondering what’s going to be new on
their televisions this fall. Not being an “insider,” I usually am in the same
boat, but I had the good fortune to be sat next to a couple of real Hollywood
types at this great lunch place that doesn’t have a name but they seat you on
long benches like you’re in Europe, but they treat you like shit like you’re in
prison and then they charge you like hell because you’re in Beverly Hills
(adjacent). I got to overhear their conversation, which was literally just a
list of all the shows at all the networks. Between bites I took notes on a
napkin. These are those notes and my reactions.
NBC
COMEDY
Sixteen Hundred Pens – this is where I lose a bet with my college televisualism professor. 7 years ago, he said that Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes was tailor made for television. I yelled BULLSHIT and got kicked out of the library. After he finished his research, while he was driving me home (he was my ride), we made a bet. I lost. If eating 7 years of toenail clippings will kill a healthy(ish) adult male, then it was nice knowing you all and thank you for reading this. Also, THAT’S A LOT OF PENS!
Sixteen Hundred Pens – this is where I lose a bet with my college televisualism professor. 7 years ago, he said that Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes was tailor made for television. I yelled BULLSHIT and got kicked out of the library. After he finished his research, while he was driving me home (he was my ride), we made a bet. I lost. If eating 7 years of toenail clippings will kill a healthy(ish) adult male, then it was nice knowing you all and thank you for reading this. Also, THAT’S A LOT OF PENS!
Fanciful King Dumb –
this was the most alarming of any pilot I’d heard of. Honestly in 2012 I
thought we would be beyond deriving humor from the mere fact that a man is a
homosexual monarch on the autism spectrum. I’m wagging my finger at you NBC.
Shame on you.
Down in Chernobyl –
ok, so a bunch of strangers on a plane crash in some faraway place in the pilot
episode? Then what? Sounds like it’s going nowhere to me.
Fry the Bright
Sinner – maybe the first contestant on this show should be the writer of
Fanciful King Dumb, because that’s a goddamn sin if I ever heard one! I’m
really interested in this show, though because there’s too many people working
against the lord and no television shows kill any of them. this isn’t niche
programming, this is the broadest appeal ever. And it takes god’s mind off of
the bright sinners to free him up to smite all the non-believers and other
minorities.
Fry Hay Mike Winter! –
I see this as a blue collar take on “john tucker must die” mixed with “10
things I hate about you,” which I could see as appealing but tough to sustain
without a doubt unless there is some sort of deal with the devil type situation
where the main character has to be ridiculously unlikable to people to force
them to get so angry that they tell him (mike winter) to go fry hay, which is a
real big insult in texas. I guess it could work as a game show, too but I don’t
think NBC is really looking for any game shows, they know that reality TV is
worthless and never benefits anyone. Either way, I’m going to skip it, because
it’s too close to “deep fried movie” and wont be anywhere near as funny.
Pies with Lids – first
of all, genius. This show markets itself (and it’s gonna have to because there
is literally NO platform on the network or coming in the next 3-4 months from
which to launch anything at all). But a food improvement show like the shark
tank where virile young food inventors pitch their improvements to established food
executives and lunchrepreneurs (I just made that word up. What I did was
combine: lunch and entrepreneur), is bound to at least make people hungry,
which is when NBC reveals that it’s been purchased by con-agra and now they’re
making and selling food! Some might say that a tv network being owned by a food
conglomerate is a conflict of interest, but that is a phrase for poor people
and weak stomachs. Tell me what I want to eat with your programming and
commercials and then sell it to me, I’m tired of this charade!
Nappy Sally – just because
30 rock did a sketch with john hamm in blackface does not mean that we can
start making fun of minorities again. Sorry NBC. Though, I really do think a
black ugly betty would rake up ratings in the middle of America, some of the
rest of the country with their fancy political correctness and smart lawyers might
ruin the fun for the rest of us good ole patriots.
Is a bell? – I’ve
never even imagined what an existential television program would look like, how
it would form, if it would occupy a time slot or have commercial breaks or even
have pictures. This is that program. I think. Though it could be dead air for
the entire season with the finale being a bell ringing in an asking tone like “ding?”
I might have to watch, but what is watching?
Fetch Baller Please – ah, the bachelor killer
that networks have been wanting for 22 cycles. Here’s the twist: well to do
woman sends her ASSISTANT to go out into the city and fetch her a baller. So you’re
not competing for the assistant, but the assistant’s boss, so you don’t really
get to know what the prize is, except that it can afford an assistant which is
pretty sweet and honestly is probably is the least crazy thing about anyone who
would go on dating shows like this. also, because of the use of the word “baller”
it’ll probably be “urban” which may encroach a little bit on the whole let’s
not be racist thing, but it’s much less obvious and may actually slip by most
untrained and unprofessional viewers.
Bic and Ben – a story about a man who can see
his razor is actually a person and even though he’s the only one that knows
this truth it actually teaches him how to be a better person and reveals
certain previously inaccessible truths about the world? Hm. Actually really
original. Never seen anything like it, ever. I’d change the name though. Bic
and Ben doesn’t roll off the tongue like “Ben and Gillette.”
Snoozing free for teens – this is a bad idea. Trust
me. First you are trying to be the cool neighbor and let the high school kids
hang out and crash sometimes so they don’t drive drunk because that’s the right
thing to do, but sooner or later the parole board gets involved and they’re
fucking rude and insist on watching you pee in the cup once a week. It.
happened to my friend. Not me. I never made and posted that sign in my front
yard.
Stable for Dreams – Horses don’t get enough
play since Mr. Ed got cancelled. I mean sure the Kentucky Derby was on NBC this
year, but it didn’t do well enough to spawn a whole series on the breed, did
it? I just worry about who they cast for Dreams. I doubt they’ll have the
command of the English language that Mr. Ed did and believe me, the comparison
is inevitable and if they had a horse that stood up already, there would be a
show about him already. Nuff said.
Now onto NBC’s Drama
Fat Pearl – I don’t get how this isn’t a
comedy instead of Nappy Sally. Nappy Sally is racist. Fat people don’t have
feelings because they squash them all with poor diet and exercise choices so we
can make fun of them all we want, right? You don’t have to answer it, I own a
TV and know a little bit about hate speech, being 1/64th jewish American.
Thanks to missing the target on the genre, I will refuse this show outright. It
just can’t be good and I’m not sorry.
Snooty Cool Steeple – A hipster adaptation of
The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I don’t think the world is ready for someone
judging others with such gems as “I was differently abled back when it was ‘handicapped’!”
Mounty – I’m in. A cop show about the Royal
Canadian Mounted Police? What could be better than polite Canadians trying to
assert authority over other polite Canadians. “oh, I think you might have been
speeding, eh?” “who me? I surely didn’t mean to speed, I’m so sorry.” “oh no, I’m
the one who is sorry. I don’t like writing tickets.” “I feel awful for putting
you in this position, officer, allow me to write my ticket for you” “that’d be
nice of you.” “I agree.”
Moo no Farm – EMMY BAIT! Critics will love
this story about a cow searching for the farm on which it was born so it could
regain a relationship with its biological parents (set in feudal Germany) but
ultimately realizes that the journey is more important than the destination,
BUT it will be tough to find an audience.
Fun Tears – I think all tears are fun tears
because crying is the funniest of all emotions. This is so much on the nose
that I don’t think it leaves enough of the goal of the show to the imagination.
Good TV needs to hide as many facts and realities from the viewer as possible
so they will keep tuning in week to week and year to year (look at M*A*S*H* and
LOST), guard those truths and lie about them as much as possible at every
opportunity. That said, the show about fun tears will be more like a wheel than
a roller coaster.
Slow Torrie Bus – first of all, were busses
around back in whig / torrie days? I doubt it. I hate to be the logic police,
but someone’s gotta do it and the mounty’s are just too nice to say anything. No.
No. No. you can’t mix realities, otherwise you’ll slide down a slippery slope
to shows with multiple universes, shows that happen in “real time” yet
conveniently no action happens to happen during commercials and people can make
30 minute car trips in less than 5 (with no traffic). We can’t let that happen,
so we must put our foot down at our first opportunity. We cannot continue to
appease writers who want to break basic rules of the universe! BOYCOTT!
Midnight Pun – it is clear that the writer just gave up on
this.