2013 Pilot Ear Hustle, breakdown and analysis. Round 1 - ABC Comedies.

Last year I had a great time lambasting the pilots every network was making, or at least what I thought would be the pilots other networks would be making. I was 100% correct as to which shows would make the cut and which shows would fall through the cracks and this year I'll be doing it again!

My plan is to spend a couple hours in bars and coffee shops near the big 5 studios to glean what each show is, what it's about, who's in it and what the inside track is, just like last year, then synthesize my own opinion and share it with you, the people.

Since my car is broken down in Burbank at the moment, I'm going to start with

ABC Pilots

Comedy

“Back in the Game” – I don’t get how this is a comedy, but Omar from the wire rises from the dead and… you guessed it, gets back in the game; robbing, killing, taunting the hood in B-more but this time without the frontal nudity, which is why David Simon is not on the project. He was really attached to Omar hangin dong and frankly, couldn’t see the humor in it without that giant obsidian pendulum.

“Bad management” – sounds a lot like the suits at ABC are trying to get in on the Under Cover Boss success, but just following around the CEOs of the following companies (none which have I ever publicly feuded with): Phillips, FEDEX, Wendy’s, EZ Lube? Just sounds like a boring show with shitty people making shitty decisions. But I guess if duck dynasty works this could too.

“Divorce: A Love Story” – This just shows the importance of proof-reading your title page. Divorce is not a love story. Divorce is the opposite of a love story. Had this writer or ANYONE for that matter checked this, it wouldn’t be such an embarrassment. I’d rather watch this than the other pitches they bought (“Death = life”, “hot ice”, and “Ally McBeal but not the one you’re thinking of”), but that still doesn’t mean it’s a show. they’re opposite! Is it about divorce or about love?! I’M CONFUSED.

“The Goldbergs” – I really like this idea. Like. a lot. Ok, let’s get real I love this idea. Bill Goldberg is one of the stand out NFL players turned wrestlers turned actors turned show creators in the history of entertainment and to see ABC giving him his shot at a family comedy is right on brand and BRILLIANT. “Bill Jr. Did you clean your room?” SPEAR! “Bill Wife did you spend too much money going shopping?” SPEAR! It writes itself and I can’t wait to watch!

“The Crazy Jean” – if I wasn’t clear when I walked out of sisterhood of the traveling pants I will revisit and spell it out. Denim is not a plot device. Just look at how to make it in America. Shows about jeans, even quirky jeans are destined to die a blue death and this one, about apparently the only jean that isn’t sane in a store full of folded jeans who will one day lead a revolution for indenimpendence just doesn’t have legs beyond the third episode. Sorry for saying that.

“Middle Age Rage” – I am not sure people want to see another sports comedy about an outlandish pitcher in the big leagues. Balfour is a great guy but he’s no Kenny Powers and certainly wont be able to get away with using metallica’s ONE in the opening title because I think metallica’s lawyers got an injunction prohibiting listening to any of their music in groups of more than 2 unless everyone paypals lars and the yelly one a dollar, and that’s what we in the industry call “a barrier to entry.”

“Mixology” – A period comedy about the first integrated bar in the south? I’m not totally confident in this pitch. I mean, black president, yes BUT didn’t ABC get tired of cramming their black agenda down our throats back when Urkel was a thing? I mean come on, ABC, get with it. you won. You got a black president now leave the rest of us in peace and stop this madness.

“Pulling” – finding nemo is funny, pumba and timon make up one of the best and well loved comedy duos since laurel and hardy, but a comedy about the only Ox on a human farm may seem a little bit desperate to cash in on the whole animated animal comedy. This will attract the migrant worker demo which has been a traditionally tough cookie to crack for advertisers and networks and could be a great launching pad, once it gets established, for another George Lopez comedy or something else incredibly great and super funny.

“Spy” – if you ever played the hit Nintendo game spy vs spy and LOVED it, but hated the violence and wished you could just see one of those pointy nosed bastards living his life despite the pure insanity of his career and his lack of family, than this is for you! and the cross branding is going to be awesome. Hats, trenchcoats, umbrellas, grenades… this show is a dream for merch!

“Super Fun Night” – Ah! A carry over from CBS last year. I recall thinking rebel Wilson was a tremendous talent and last year’s script was terribly underwritten and did not play to her strengths, or any conventional type of comedy at all, BUT this year’s had the same problems despite the project moving to the (alphabetically) superior network so I don’t know how this happened or what the point was at all. But yes, I will tune in to see rebel Wilson on horseback cracking jokes and slaying dragons.

“Trophy Wife” – this one made me laugh. I mean a lot of guys love their bowling awards but a comedy about a future where a man marries a trophy? SIGN ME UP! this is exactly what will happen once we let gays marry, then we’ll have to let dogs marry. Once we let dogs marry we’ll have to let plants marry, then soon it’s kevin james married to an exceptionally hot bowling trophy and the trials and tribulations associated therewith, so if you’re into cautionary tales this is your comedy!

“King John” – I don’t think this project will do King Ralph the justice it deserves.

DRAMA will follow later on.

2013 Pilot time!

Last year I had a great time lambasting the pilots every network was making, or at least what I thought would be the pilots other networks would be making. I was 100% correct as to which shows would make the cut and which shows would fall through the cracks and this year I'll be doing it again!

My plan is to spend a couple hours in bars and coffee shops near the big 5 studios to glean what each show is, what it's about, who's in it and what the inside track is, just like last year, then synthesize my own opinion and share it with you, the people.

Since my car is broken down in Burbank at the moment, I'm going to start with ABC. Give me a couple of days for recon and check back. This will be great.

As a refresher, here's my take on their slate from last year.

A response to a non-response

About a year ago I was trying to get rep for a spec pilot I wrote. Queries went out and in them I called the script "funny as shit." One agent said he would read it on the condition that it was, indeed, funny as shit. I told him that it was, but to be safe he should eat it with an all you can eat buffet of Indian food. I sent him the script and didn't hear from him for months, which speaks volumes, of course. So I sent him the below email. I just found it now while searching my email box for "pants shitting," which I wont endeavor to explain, and thought it warranted a post for posterity.

"My assistant told me this morning you never invoiced us to have your trousers dry cleaned. You must have an iron stomach as you're the first. Though we did originally suspect my grandfather was just blaming my script because it's what he was holding. This confirms it.

Thank you for your consideration!

Best,

Gregory Boytos

P.S. I don't have an assistant. Or a grandfather. They're both dead. Probably."

Pilot Breakdown (overheard) round 3: NBC

It’s pilot season, which means for the next couple/few weeks everyone is going to be wondering what’s going to be new on their televisions this fall. Not being an “insider,” I usually am in the same boat, but I had the good fortune to be sat next to a couple of real Hollywood types at this great lunch place that doesn’t have a name but they seat you on long benches like you’re in Europe, but they treat you like shit like you’re in prison and then they charge you like hell because you’re in Beverly Hills (adjacent). I got to overhear their conversation, which was literally just a list of all the shows at all the networks. Between bites I took notes on a napkin. These are those notes and my reactions.

NBC

COMEDY
Sixteen Hundred Pens – this is where I lose a bet with my college televisualism professor. 7 years ago, he said that Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes was tailor made for television. I yelled BULLSHIT and got kicked out of the library. After he finished his research, while he was driving me home (he was my ride), we made a bet. I lost. If eating 7 years of toenail clippings will kill a healthy(ish) adult male, then it was nice knowing you all and thank you for reading this. Also, THAT’S A LOT OF PENS!

Fanciful King Dumb – this was the most alarming of any pilot I’d heard of. Honestly in 2012 I thought we would be beyond deriving humor from the mere fact that a man is a homosexual monarch on the autism spectrum. I’m wagging my finger at you NBC. Shame on you.

Down in Chernobyl – ok, so a bunch of strangers on a plane crash in some faraway place in the pilot episode? Then what? Sounds like it’s going nowhere to me.

Fry the Bright Sinner – maybe the first contestant on this show should be the writer of Fanciful King Dumb, because that’s a goddamn sin if I ever heard one! I’m really interested in this show, though because there’s too many people working against the lord and no television shows kill any of them. this isn’t niche programming, this is the broadest appeal ever. And it takes god’s mind off of the bright sinners to free him up to smite all the non-believers and other minorities.

Fry Hay Mike Winter! – I see this as a blue collar take on “john tucker must die” mixed with “10 things I hate about you,” which I could see as appealing but tough to sustain without a doubt unless there is some sort of deal with the devil type situation where the main character has to be ridiculously unlikable to people to force them to get so angry that they tell him (mike winter) to go fry hay, which is a real big insult in texas. I guess it could work as a game show, too but I don’t think NBC is really looking for any game shows, they know that reality TV is worthless and never benefits anyone. Either way, I’m going to skip it, because it’s too close to “deep fried movie” and wont be anywhere near as funny.

Pies with Lids – first of all, genius. This show markets itself (and it’s gonna have to because there is literally NO platform on the network or coming in the next 3-4 months from which to launch anything at all). But a food improvement show like the shark tank where virile young food inventors pitch their improvements to established food executives and lunchrepreneurs (I just made that word up. What I did was combine: lunch and entrepreneur), is bound to at least make people hungry, which is when NBC reveals that it’s been purchased by con-agra and now they’re making and selling food! Some might say that a tv network being owned by a food conglomerate is a conflict of interest, but that is a phrase for poor people and weak stomachs. Tell me what I want to eat with your programming and commercials and then sell it to me, I’m tired of this charade!

Nappy Sally – just because 30 rock did a sketch with john hamm in blackface does not mean that we can start making fun of minorities again. Sorry NBC. Though, I really do think a black ugly betty would rake up ratings in the middle of America, some of the rest of the country with their fancy political correctness and smart lawyers might ruin the fun for the rest of us good ole patriots.

Is a bell? – I’ve never even imagined what an existential television program would look like, how it would form, if it would occupy a time slot or have commercial breaks or even have pictures. This is that program. I think. Though it could be dead air for the entire season with the finale being a bell ringing in an asking tone like “ding?” I might have to watch, but what is watching?

Fetch Baller Please – ah, the bachelor killer that networks have been wanting for 22 cycles. Here’s the twist: well to do woman sends her ASSISTANT to go out into the city and fetch her a baller. So you’re not competing for the assistant, but the assistant’s boss, so you don’t really get to know what the prize is, except that it can afford an assistant which is pretty sweet and honestly is probably is the least crazy thing about anyone who would go on dating shows like this. also, because of the use of the word “baller” it’ll probably be “urban” which may encroach a little bit on the whole let’s not be racist thing, but it’s much less obvious and may actually slip by most untrained and unprofessional viewers.

Bic and Ben – a story about a man who can see his razor is actually a person and even though he’s the only one that knows this truth it actually teaches him how to be a better person and reveals certain previously inaccessible truths about the world? Hm. Actually really original. Never seen anything like it, ever. I’d change the name though. Bic and Ben doesn’t roll off the tongue like “Ben and Gillette.”

Snoozing free for teens – this is a bad idea. Trust me. First you are trying to be the cool neighbor and let the high school kids hang out and crash sometimes so they don’t drive drunk because that’s the right thing to do, but sooner or later the parole board gets involved and they’re fucking rude and insist on watching you pee in the cup once a week. It. happened to my friend. Not me. I never made and posted that sign in my front yard.

Stable for Dreams – Horses don’t get enough play since Mr. Ed got cancelled. I mean sure the Kentucky Derby was on NBC this year, but it didn’t do well enough to spawn a whole series on the breed, did it? I just worry about who they cast for Dreams. I doubt they’ll have the command of the English language that Mr. Ed did and believe me, the comparison is inevitable and if they had a horse that stood up already, there would be a show about him already. Nuff said.

Now onto NBC’s Drama

Fat Pearl – I don’t get how this isn’t a comedy instead of Nappy Sally. Nappy Sally is racist. Fat people don’t have feelings because they squash them all with poor diet and exercise choices so we can make fun of them all we want, right? You don’t have to answer it, I own a TV and know a little bit about hate speech, being 1/64^th jewish American. Thanks to missing the target on the genre, I will refuse this show outright. It just can’t be good and I’m not sorry.

Snooty Cool Steeple – A hipster adaptation of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I don’t think the world is ready for someone judging others with such gems as “I was differently abled back when it was ‘handicapped’!”

Mounty – I’m in. A cop show about the Royal Canadian Mounted Police? What could be better than polite Canadians trying to assert authority over other polite Canadians. “oh, I think you might have been speeding, eh?” “who me? I surely didn’t mean to speed, I’m so sorry.” “oh no, I’m the one who is sorry. I don’t like writing tickets.” “I feel awful for putting you in this position, officer, allow me to write my ticket for you” “that’d be nice of you.” “I agree.”

Moo no Farm – EMMY BAIT! Critics will love this story about a cow searching for the farm on which it was born so it could regain a relationship with its biological parents (set in feudal Germany) but ultimately realizes that the journey is more important than the destination, BUT it will be tough to find an audience.

Fun Tears – I think all tears are fun tears because crying is the funniest of all emotions. This is so much on the nose that I don’t think it leaves enough of the goal of the show to the imagination. Good TV needs to hide as many facts and realities from the viewer as possible so they will keep tuning in week to week and year to year (look at M*A*S*H* and LOST), guard those truths and lie about them as much as possible at every opportunity. That said, the show about fun tears will be more like a wheel than a roller coaster.

Slow Torrie Bus – first of all, were busses around back in whig / torrie days? I doubt it. I hate to be the logic police, but someone’s gotta do it and the mounty’s are just too nice to say anything. No. No. No. you can’t mix realities, otherwise you’ll slide down a slippery slope to shows with multiple universes, shows that happen in “real time” yet conveniently no action happens to happen during commercials and people can make 30 minute car trips in less than 5 (with no traffic). We can’t let that happen, so we must put our foot down at our first opportunity. We cannot continue to appease writers who want to break basic rules of the universe! BOYCOTT!

Midnight Pun –  it is clear that the writer just gave up on this.

Pilot Breakdown (overheard) round 2: CBS

It’s pilot season, which means for the next couple/few weeks everyone is going to be wondering what’s going to be new on their televisions this fall. Not being an “insider,” I usually am in the same boat, but I had the good fortune to be sat next to a couple of real Hollywood types at this great lunch place that doesn’t have a name but they seat you on long benches like you’re in Europe, but they treat you like shit like you’re in prison and then they charge you like hell because you’re in Beverly Hills (adjacent). I got to overhear their conversation, which was literally just a list of all the shows at all the networks. Between bites I took notes on a napkin. These are those notes and my reactions.

CBS
Comedy


Friend Fee – I think ABC family already tried this show which is so clearly obviously about the fraternity sorority system. They called it GREEK and it was ok. Feels like a cable show unless you can broaden the appeal to normal people who never had the chance to get college like our fancy president.


Fart Nurse – If this is a reality show, I definitely want to be a contestant. I would like nothing more than a fart nurse as being a fart doctor is very stressful and busy and I feel like a fart nurse would be an invaluable asset to my practice.


Fupa Sun Fight – for those not in the know (I had to look up FUPA too, guys!) a fupa is a dirty word for a part of a specifically female anatomic feature on a particularly out of shape person, or one with a weird hormonal imbalance and unfortunate fashion choice so as to make their upper pussy area appear to be a little bit “fat.”

DRAMA


Applebottom – I’m SO glad Nelly is back. To be honest, when he founded his own line of denim and accessories I thought that was him signaling to the world that he was no longer interested in entertaining us, but clearly not. God bless you, St. Lunatics. You have a spot in my DVR any day of the week.


Baby’s Big Sloth – I don’t get the recent obsession with sloths. Kristen Bell cries one time on ellen and all of a sudden the big wigs at CBS are screaming for a show? adapting a twitter feed to a show is one thing ($#!+ my dad says) but adapting an interview into one is unprecedented and frankly, erroneous. However, if it were reimagined as “Big Sloth Babies” I would get that tattooed across my neck just for the pleasure of being able to watch sloths on television (I love sloths so much).


Filament Larry – Call me old fashioned, but shows used to be something. The brady bunch was a whole family… TWO whole families. Drag Net was a POLICE force. Now all you have to do is be a mashup of a lightbulb and a human being and CBS gives you a show? this is dumb and stupid and vacuous and will amount to nothing ever because half the time he wont be lit up and then we’ll all just be staring at our dumb tvs that will just be black and then there will be a bunch of commercials. yuck.


Window Detective – an hour a week of a man detecting windows? How hard could that be? I could do this job easily. All I would need is a straw and some baby powder and a small brush and a large brush. They could all fit inside of a tacklebox that my assistant would carry. I would also need an assistant. Preferably an ethnic male who has something to hide but nothing to fear as he did a bad thing for a good reason and when I find out what it is in 22 weeks I will forgive him because he’s already proven himself.

Stupor – I’m really upset that my fifth year of college is finally a TV show after nobody wanted to watch at the time (so they voted unanimously at both interventions), and now it’s being made and I’m out in the cold. I mean the idea is great, but it’s just not fair that I suddenly don’t get to participate because I’m “violent” and “a general risk to myself and anyone close to me.” Fuck this, let’s get drunk.

Pilot Breakdown (overheard) round 1: ABC

It’s pilot season, which means for the next couple/few weeks everyone is going to be wondering what’s going to be new on their televisions this fall. Not being an “insider,” I usually am in the same boat, but I had the good fortune to be sat next to a couple of real Hollywood types at this great lunch place that doesn’t have a name but they seat you on long benches like you’re in Europe, but they treat you like shit like you’re in prison and then they charge you like hell because you’re in Beverly Hills (adjacent). I got to overhear their conversation, which was literally just a list of all the shows at all the networks. Between bites I took notes on a napkin. These are those notes and my reactions.

They talked about ABC comedies first

American Jewy  - not really into religious stereotypes, especially in comedies, but it will do well in the middle of the country because it has the word American in it, so it’s got that going for it.

Possum clown – I love cartoons. This is a winner. I like possums. I like clowns. This show has BOTH and probably the possum IS THE CLOWN? Hell yes.

Malibu cunty -  Probably about an actress they both had sex with who really liked spiced rum! I’m not sure anyone who didn’t sleep with Malibu Cunty will get the premise of the show, and why you’d want to cast a rude ex-girlfriend in a broadcast show is beyond me.

prairie doggin - yeah right, like a whole show could exist about the 30 yards between your car and your toilet after dollar taco night! I’d give it a shot though, because it’s got everything people want: the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat and probably a few slow motion farts and diarrhea which are comedy gold.

The Smart One - good to see Taj Mowry getting back in the game

Bread Ham Fan - A cooking / DIY / enthusiast fusion in primetime? Good luck!

Only rule is Morris - Seems like the Caeser in pre-christian Israel instead of rome. I’m into it, but I don’t see much a need to make a period comedy, especially since most of the conflict wont read very well on screen. I mean, what do Egyptians even look like?

How to Live With Your Parents for the Rest of Your Life -sounds like a really shitty stupid long title of a ridiculously boring show.

ABC Dramas were next

DICKS DICKS DICKS Fart avenue – seems a bit crass and I hate dramadies, but I see they’re trying to fill the void left by our friends on wisteria lane and are desperate to recreate that success with another road-based show. not sure this is the right way to do either, but I’m no programming exec.

Bearijuana – I don’t know if the networks are ready for a drug dealing bear. Breaking bad meets the jungle book may sound like a great marriage concept but I don’t know where it would fit on the schedule.
Beauty and the Beast – are they just going to show the movie every week? I don’t understand what this means.
Previous Maids – An interview show about people reminiscing about the people who used to clean your house. Seems more TLC than ABC. Or even lifetime. Again, I’m no programming exec.

Pill and Billy – I highly doubt the guys I used to buy drugs from in college got a tv show. last I heard they were raising ducks in Ecuador. Though if they switched to Alpaca (pill’s dream) I’m sure that’d be an interesting drama to follow. An alpaca / duck farm? Brill.
Flotsam – really? Too soon. The Japanese haven’t even rebuilt from their disaster and you’re making a show about the havoc the shambles of their former lives are wreaking on our coastlines? Too soon.
Last Retort – clearly a broadcast adaptation of the Colbert Report’s final word. Seems pretty derivative but cable is clearly the minor leagues and broadcast is the big leagues, so if it works on cable it’ll work on broadcast, but since it’s bigger it’ll work better. Excited about this one.

Hashville – How do Pill and Billy have two shows on broadcast tv and I haven’t even sold the screenplay I’ve been working on for the last nine-years. I’m IN Hollywood and they’re in fucking Ecuador. Life isn’t fair.
Penocha – I don’t speak Spanish but I’m pretty sure they can’t say this on TV. It’s unpromotable. Fail.
Soup-les – Souples? Like super hero soup couple? Again, I don’t know what they’re trying to do here, but the super-hero love story was my favorite part of hancock and the soup nazi was my favorite episode of Seinfeld, so if they can soap it up, I’d tune in for this on Sunday nights!
Hero Sour -  another food / super hero show, but without the love story? Tough sell. I like love. I LOVE love. But I do like sour as opposed to savory. Maybe they can send these two back to development and combine them. like a super-hero love triangle. Soup and Sour competing for one super-heart. Sounds like a bachelor replacement to me. And super commercial.

Missed Race # 2 – or – the $37 beer and t-shirt

Missed Race # 2 – or – the $37 beer and t-shirt

It’s been 3 weeks since I have run a step aside from a painful accidental jog while taking the stage for a comedy show, which reinforced my current restful lifestyle. I missed my second race this past weekend, but in true sad-loser fashion, I showed up anyway to get my swag. Luckily my girlfriend and her sister were also running the race so I could blend in with the other non-runners and have someone to cheer for.

Of course I’m talking about The SoCal Warrior Dash. A 4.99k obstacle course / mud run. I did it last year and it was a lot of fun. I ran it in a hotdog costume and aside from my incapacitating fear of heights, I did very well. There was only one height obstacle and I powered through well enough, but definitely not with any semblance of speed. This is all, of course, beside the point because I didn’t run it this year. I did show up and get my t-shirt and complimentary beer. And a couple more beers. Hadn't drank before lunch in awhile, so that was worth getting up at 6am.

My foot still hurts. A lot. And as luck would have it, the other foot’s capsulitis has crawled back, so now I don’t know which foot to favor and now it seems I won’t be able to avoid inserts as all the information I can gather on capsulitis is rest until it goes away, stretch your calves and use a metatarsal pad or have surgery. I’m down with minimalism and good form running, but I am definitely averse to surgery, so I will sacrifice one point of view for another.

I’m still holding strong onto the belief that most, if not all, running problems can be solved with form, strength and drills and will try any drill or stretch or exercise to relieve myself of any pain before sentencing my feet to the stockade. I just have to find the right exercises to get myself better.

The next race I’ve registered for but wont toe the line at is the OC Marathon. This one’s in 4 weeks and I’m absolutely certain I wont make it. Last week I transferred entry to the half marathon on the same day which at the time was smart, but as it stands now, I wont be able to run that one either. If my foot stops hurting by then I don’t even think it’d be smart to throw a half marathon at it, since running too much too soon on bones that couldn’t handle it is what got me into this mess to begin with. But I’ll be at the expo to collect all the free fun stuff I seem to be collecting.

           

I had a great year planned on my feet, but obviously it’s not to be. I’m still processing all the lessons learned from this injury, but I am keeping a list so I wont have to learn them twice.