Pilot Breakdown (overheard) round 1: ABC

It’s pilot season, which means for the next couple/few weeks everyone is going to be wondering what’s going to be new on their televisions this fall. Not being an “insider,” I usually am in the same boat, but I had the good fortune to be sat next to a couple of real Hollywood types at this great lunch place that doesn’t have a name but they seat you on long benches like you’re in Europe, but they treat you like shit like you’re in prison and then they charge you like hell because you’re in Beverly Hills (adjacent). I got to overhear their conversation, which was literally just a list of all the shows at all the networks. Between bites I took notes on a napkin. These are those notes and my reactions.

They talked about ABC comedies first

American Jewy  - not really into religious stereotypes, especially in comedies, but it will do well in the middle of the country because it has the word American in it, so it’s got that going for it.

Possum clown – I love cartoons. This is a winner. I like possums. I like clowns. This show has BOTH and probably the possum IS THE CLOWN? Hell yes.

Malibu cunty -  Probably about an actress they both had sex with who really liked spiced rum! I’m not sure anyone who didn’t sleep with Malibu Cunty will get the premise of the show, and why you’d want to cast a rude ex-girlfriend in a broadcast show is beyond me.

prairie doggin - yeah right, like a whole show could exist about the 30 yards between your car and your toilet after dollar taco night! I’d give it a shot though, because it’s got everything people want: the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat and probably a few slow motion farts and diarrhea which are comedy gold.

The Smart One - good to see Taj Mowry getting back in the game

Bread Ham Fan - A cooking / DIY / enthusiast fusion in primetime? Good luck!

Only rule is Morris - Seems like the Caeser in pre-christian Israel instead of rome. I’m into it, but I don’t see much a need to make a period comedy, especially since most of the conflict wont read very well on screen. I mean, what do Egyptians even look like?

How to Live With Your Parents for the Rest of Your Life -sounds like a really shitty stupid long title of a ridiculously boring show.

ABC Dramas were next

DICKS DICKS DICKS Fart avenue – seems a bit crass and I hate dramadies, but I see they’re trying to fill the void left by our friends on wisteria lane and are desperate to recreate that success with another road-based show. not sure this is the right way to do either, but I’m no programming exec.

Bearijuana – I don’t know if the networks are ready for a drug dealing bear. Breaking bad meets the jungle book may sound like a great marriage concept but I don’t know where it would fit on the schedule.
Beauty and the Beast – are they just going to show the movie every week? I don’t understand what this means.
Previous Maids – An interview show about people reminiscing about the people who used to clean your house. Seems more TLC than ABC. Or even lifetime. Again, I’m no programming exec.

Pill and Billy – I highly doubt the guys I used to buy drugs from in college got a tv show. last I heard they were raising ducks in Ecuador. Though if they switched to Alpaca (pill’s dream) I’m sure that’d be an interesting drama to follow. An alpaca / duck farm? Brill.
Flotsam – really? Too soon. The Japanese haven’t even rebuilt from their disaster and you’re making a show about the havoc the shambles of their former lives are wreaking on our coastlines? Too soon.
Last Retort – clearly a broadcast adaptation of the Colbert Report’s final word. Seems pretty derivative but cable is clearly the minor leagues and broadcast is the big leagues, so if it works on cable it’ll work on broadcast, but since it’s bigger it’ll work better. Excited about this one.

Hashville – How do Pill and Billy have two shows on broadcast tv and I haven’t even sold the screenplay I’ve been working on for the last nine-years. I’m IN Hollywood and they’re in fucking Ecuador. Life isn’t fair.
Penocha – I don’t speak Spanish but I’m pretty sure they can’t say this on TV. It’s unpromotable. Fail.
Soup-les – Souples? Like super hero soup couple? Again, I don’t know what they’re trying to do here, but the super-hero love story was my favorite part of hancock and the soup nazi was my favorite episode of Seinfeld, so if they can soap it up, I’d tune in for this on Sunday nights!
Hero Sour -  another food / super hero show, but without the love story? Tough sell. I like love. I LOVE love. But I do like sour as opposed to savory. Maybe they can send these two back to development and combine them. like a super-hero love triangle. Soup and Sour competing for one super-heart. Sounds like a bachelor replacement to me. And super commercial.