Friday, May 4, 2012

Pilot Breakdown (overheard) round 2: CBS

It’s pilot season, which means for the next couple/few weeks everyone is going to be wondering what’s going to be new on their televisions this fall. Not being an “insider,” I usually am in the same boat, but I had the good fortune to be sat next to a couple of real Hollywood types at this great lunch place that doesn’t have a name but they seat you on long benches like you’re in Europe, but they treat you like shit like you’re in prison and then they charge you like hell because you’re in Beverly Hills (adjacent). I got to overhear their conversation, which was literally just a list of all the shows at all the networks. Between bites I took notes on a napkin. These are those notes and my reactions.


Friend Fee – I think ABC family already tried this show which is so clearly obviously about the fraternity sorority system. They called it GREEK and it was ok. Feels like a cable show unless you can broaden the appeal to normal people who never had the chance to get college like our fancy president.

Fart Nurse – If this is a reality show, I definitely want to be a contestant. I would like nothing more than a fart nurse as being a fart doctor is very stressful and busy and I feel like a fart nurse would be an invaluable asset to my practice.

Fupa Sun Fight – for those not in the know (I had to look up FUPA too, guys!) a fupa is a dirty word for a part of a specifically female anatomic feature on a particularly out of shape person, or one with a weird hormonal imbalance and unfortunate fashion choice so as to make their upper pussy area appear to be a little bit “fat.”


Applebottom – I’m SO glad Nelly is back. To be honest, when he founded his own line of denim and accessories I thought that was him signaling to the world that he was no longer interested in entertaining us, but clearly not. God bless you, St. Lunatics. You have a spot in my DVR any day of the week.

Baby’s Big Sloth – I don’t get the recent obsession with sloths. Kristen Bell cries one time on ellen and all of a sudden the big wigs at CBS are screaming for a show? adapting a twitter feed to a show is one thing ($#!+ my dad says) but adapting an interview into one is unprecedented and frankly, erroneous. However, if it were reimagined as “Big Sloth Babies” I would get that tattooed across my neck just for the pleasure of being able to watch sloths on television (I love sloths so much).

Filament Larry – Call me old fashioned, but shows used to be something. The brady bunch was a whole family… TWO whole families. Drag Net was a POLICE force. Now all you have to do is be a mashup of a lightbulb and a human being and CBS gives you a show? this is dumb and stupid and vacuous and will amount to nothing ever because half the time he wont be lit up and then we’ll all just be staring at our dumb tvs that will just be black and then there will be a bunch of commercials. yuck.

Window Detective – an hour a week of a man detecting windows? How hard could that be? I could do this job easily. All I would need is a straw and some baby powder and a small brush and a large brush. They could all fit inside of a tacklebox that my assistant would carry. I would also need an assistant. Preferably an ethnic male who has something to hide but nothing to fear as he did a bad thing for a good reason and when I find out what it is in 22 weeks I will forgive him because he’s already proven himself.

Stupor – I’m really upset that my fifth year of college is finally a TV show after nobody wanted to watch at the time (so they voted unanimously at both interventions), and now it’s being made and I’m out in the cold. I mean the idea is great, but it’s just not fair that I suddenly don’t get to participate because I’m “violent” and “a general risk to myself and anyone close to me.” Fuck this, let’s get drunk.

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