2013 Pilot time!

Last year I had a great time lambasting the pilots every network was making, or at least what I thought would be the pilots other networks would be making. I was 100% correct as to which shows would make the cut and which shows would fall through the cracks and this year I'll be doing it again!

My plan is to spend a couple hours in bars and coffee shops near the big 5 studios to glean what each show is, what it's about, who's in it and what the inside track is, just like last year, then synthesize my own opinion and share it with you, the people.

Since my car is broken down in Burbank at the moment, I'm going to start with ABC. Give me a couple of days for recon and check back. This will be great.

As a refresher, here's my take on their slate from last year.

A response to a non-response

About a year ago I was trying to get rep for a spec pilot I wrote. Queries went out and in them I called the script "funny as shit." One agent said he would read it on the condition that it was, indeed, funny as shit. I told him that it was, but to be safe he should eat it with an all you can eat buffet of Indian food. I sent him the script and didn't hear from him for months, which speaks volumes, of course. So I sent him the below email. I just found it now while searching my email box for "pants shitting," which I wont endeavor to explain, and thought it warranted a post for posterity.

"My assistant told me this morning you never invoiced us to have your trousers dry cleaned. You must have an iron stomach as you're the first. Though we did originally suspect my grandfather was just blaming my script because it's what he was holding. This confirms it.

Thank you for your consideration!

Best,

Gregory Boytos

P.S. I don't have an assistant. Or a grandfather. They're both dead. Probably."

Pilot Breakdown (overheard) round 3: NBC

It’s pilot season, which means for the next couple/few weeks everyone is going to be wondering what’s going to be new on their televisions this fall. Not being an “insider,” I usually am in the same boat, but I had the good fortune to be sat next to a couple of real Hollywood types at this great lunch place that doesn’t have a name but they seat you on long benches like you’re in Europe, but they treat you like shit like you’re in prison and then they charge you like hell because you’re in Beverly Hills (adjacent). I got to overhear their conversation, which was literally just a list of all the shows at all the networks. Between bites I took notes on a napkin. These are those notes and my reactions.

NBC

COMEDY
Sixteen Hundred Pens – this is where I lose a bet with my college televisualism professor. 7 years ago, he said that Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes was tailor made for television. I yelled BULLSHIT and got kicked out of the library. After he finished his research, while he was driving me home (he was my ride), we made a bet. I lost. If eating 7 years of toenail clippings will kill a healthy(ish) adult male, then it was nice knowing you all and thank you for reading this. Also, THAT’S A LOT OF PENS!

Fanciful King Dumb – this was the most alarming of any pilot I’d heard of. Honestly in 2012 I thought we would be beyond deriving humor from the mere fact that a man is a homosexual monarch on the autism spectrum. I’m wagging my finger at you NBC. Shame on you.

Down in Chernobyl – ok, so a bunch of strangers on a plane crash in some faraway place in the pilot episode? Then what? Sounds like it’s going nowhere to me.

Fry the Bright Sinner – maybe the first contestant on this show should be the writer of Fanciful King Dumb, because that’s a goddamn sin if I ever heard one! I’m really interested in this show, though because there’s too many people working against the lord and no television shows kill any of them. this isn’t niche programming, this is the broadest appeal ever. And it takes god’s mind off of the bright sinners to free him up to smite all the non-believers and other minorities.

Fry Hay Mike Winter! – I see this as a blue collar take on “john tucker must die” mixed with “10 things I hate about you,” which I could see as appealing but tough to sustain without a doubt unless there is some sort of deal with the devil type situation where the main character has to be ridiculously unlikable to people to force them to get so angry that they tell him (mike winter) to go fry hay, which is a real big insult in texas. I guess it could work as a game show, too but I don’t think NBC is really looking for any game shows, they know that reality TV is worthless and never benefits anyone. Either way, I’m going to skip it, because it’s too close to “deep fried movie” and wont be anywhere near as funny.

Pies with Lids – first of all, genius. This show markets itself (and it’s gonna have to because there is literally NO platform on the network or coming in the next 3-4 months from which to launch anything at all). But a food improvement show like the shark tank where virile young food inventors pitch their improvements to established food executives and lunchrepreneurs (I just made that word up. What I did was combine: lunch and entrepreneur), is bound to at least make people hungry, which is when NBC reveals that it’s been purchased by con-agra and now they’re making and selling food! Some might say that a tv network being owned by a food conglomerate is a conflict of interest, but that is a phrase for poor people and weak stomachs. Tell me what I want to eat with your programming and commercials and then sell it to me, I’m tired of this charade!

Nappy Sally – just because 30 rock did a sketch with john hamm in blackface does not mean that we can start making fun of minorities again. Sorry NBC. Though, I really do think a black ugly betty would rake up ratings in the middle of America, some of the rest of the country with their fancy political correctness and smart lawyers might ruin the fun for the rest of us good ole patriots.

Is a bell? – I’ve never even imagined what an existential television program would look like, how it would form, if it would occupy a time slot or have commercial breaks or even have pictures. This is that program. I think. Though it could be dead air for the entire season with the finale being a bell ringing in an asking tone like “ding?” I might have to watch, but what is watching?

Fetch Baller Please – ah, the bachelor killer that networks have been wanting for 22 cycles. Here’s the twist: well to do woman sends her ASSISTANT to go out into the city and fetch her a baller. So you’re not competing for the assistant, but the assistant’s boss, so you don’t really get to know what the prize is, except that it can afford an assistant which is pretty sweet and honestly is probably is the least crazy thing about anyone who would go on dating shows like this. also, because of the use of the word “baller” it’ll probably be “urban” which may encroach a little bit on the whole let’s not be racist thing, but it’s much less obvious and may actually slip by most untrained and unprofessional viewers.

Bic and Ben – a story about a man who can see his razor is actually a person and even though he’s the only one that knows this truth it actually teaches him how to be a better person and reveals certain previously inaccessible truths about the world? Hm. Actually really original. Never seen anything like it, ever. I’d change the name though. Bic and Ben doesn’t roll off the tongue like “Ben and Gillette.”

Snoozing free for teens – this is a bad idea. Trust me. First you are trying to be the cool neighbor and let the high school kids hang out and crash sometimes so they don’t drive drunk because that’s the right thing to do, but sooner or later the parole board gets involved and they’re fucking rude and insist on watching you pee in the cup once a week. It. happened to my friend. Not me. I never made and posted that sign in my front yard.

Stable for Dreams – Horses don’t get enough play since Mr. Ed got cancelled. I mean sure the Kentucky Derby was on NBC this year, but it didn’t do well enough to spawn a whole series on the breed, did it? I just worry about who they cast for Dreams. I doubt they’ll have the command of the English language that Mr. Ed did and believe me, the comparison is inevitable and if they had a horse that stood up already, there would be a show about him already. Nuff said.

Now onto NBC’s Drama

Fat Pearl – I don’t get how this isn’t a comedy instead of Nappy Sally. Nappy Sally is racist. Fat people don’t have feelings because they squash them all with poor diet and exercise choices so we can make fun of them all we want, right? You don’t have to answer it, I own a TV and know a little bit about hate speech, being 1/64^th jewish American. Thanks to missing the target on the genre, I will refuse this show outright. It just can’t be good and I’m not sorry.

Snooty Cool Steeple – A hipster adaptation of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I don’t think the world is ready for someone judging others with such gems as “I was differently abled back when it was ‘handicapped’!”

Mounty – I’m in. A cop show about the Royal Canadian Mounted Police? What could be better than polite Canadians trying to assert authority over other polite Canadians. “oh, I think you might have been speeding, eh?” “who me? I surely didn’t mean to speed, I’m so sorry.” “oh no, I’m the one who is sorry. I don’t like writing tickets.” “I feel awful for putting you in this position, officer, allow me to write my ticket for you” “that’d be nice of you.” “I agree.”

Moo no Farm – EMMY BAIT! Critics will love this story about a cow searching for the farm on which it was born so it could regain a relationship with its biological parents (set in feudal Germany) but ultimately realizes that the journey is more important than the destination, BUT it will be tough to find an audience.

Fun Tears – I think all tears are fun tears because crying is the funniest of all emotions. This is so much on the nose that I don’t think it leaves enough of the goal of the show to the imagination. Good TV needs to hide as many facts and realities from the viewer as possible so they will keep tuning in week to week and year to year (look at M*A*S*H* and LOST), guard those truths and lie about them as much as possible at every opportunity. That said, the show about fun tears will be more like a wheel than a roller coaster.

Slow Torrie Bus – first of all, were busses around back in whig / torrie days? I doubt it. I hate to be the logic police, but someone’s gotta do it and the mounty’s are just too nice to say anything. No. No. No. you can’t mix realities, otherwise you’ll slide down a slippery slope to shows with multiple universes, shows that happen in “real time” yet conveniently no action happens to happen during commercials and people can make 30 minute car trips in less than 5 (with no traffic). We can’t let that happen, so we must put our foot down at our first opportunity. We cannot continue to appease writers who want to break basic rules of the universe! BOYCOTT!

Midnight Pun –  it is clear that the writer just gave up on this.

Pilot Breakdown (overheard) round 2: CBS

It’s pilot season, which means for the next couple/few weeks everyone is going to be wondering what’s going to be new on their televisions this fall. Not being an “insider,” I usually am in the same boat, but I had the good fortune to be sat next to a couple of real Hollywood types at this great lunch place that doesn’t have a name but they seat you on long benches like you’re in Europe, but they treat you like shit like you’re in prison and then they charge you like hell because you’re in Beverly Hills (adjacent). I got to overhear their conversation, which was literally just a list of all the shows at all the networks. Between bites I took notes on a napkin. These are those notes and my reactions.

CBS
Comedy


Friend Fee – I think ABC family already tried this show which is so clearly obviously about the fraternity sorority system. They called it GREEK and it was ok. Feels like a cable show unless you can broaden the appeal to normal people who never had the chance to get college like our fancy president.


Fart Nurse – If this is a reality show, I definitely want to be a contestant. I would like nothing more than a fart nurse as being a fart doctor is very stressful and busy and I feel like a fart nurse would be an invaluable asset to my practice.


Fupa Sun Fight – for those not in the know (I had to look up FUPA too, guys!) a fupa is a dirty word for a part of a specifically female anatomic feature on a particularly out of shape person, or one with a weird hormonal imbalance and unfortunate fashion choice so as to make their upper pussy area appear to be a little bit “fat.”

DRAMA


Applebottom – I’m SO glad Nelly is back. To be honest, when he founded his own line of denim and accessories I thought that was him signaling to the world that he was no longer interested in entertaining us, but clearly not. God bless you, St. Lunatics. You have a spot in my DVR any day of the week.


Baby’s Big Sloth – I don’t get the recent obsession with sloths. Kristen Bell cries one time on ellen and all of a sudden the big wigs at CBS are screaming for a show? adapting a twitter feed to a show is one thing ($#!+ my dad says) but adapting an interview into one is unprecedented and frankly, erroneous. However, if it were reimagined as “Big Sloth Babies” I would get that tattooed across my neck just for the pleasure of being able to watch sloths on television (I love sloths so much).


Filament Larry – Call me old fashioned, but shows used to be something. The brady bunch was a whole family… TWO whole families. Drag Net was a POLICE force. Now all you have to do is be a mashup of a lightbulb and a human being and CBS gives you a show? this is dumb and stupid and vacuous and will amount to nothing ever because half the time he wont be lit up and then we’ll all just be staring at our dumb tvs that will just be black and then there will be a bunch of commercials. yuck.


Window Detective – an hour a week of a man detecting windows? How hard could that be? I could do this job easily. All I would need is a straw and some baby powder and a small brush and a large brush. They could all fit inside of a tacklebox that my assistant would carry. I would also need an assistant. Preferably an ethnic male who has something to hide but nothing to fear as he did a bad thing for a good reason and when I find out what it is in 22 weeks I will forgive him because he’s already proven himself.

Stupor – I’m really upset that my fifth year of college is finally a TV show after nobody wanted to watch at the time (so they voted unanimously at both interventions), and now it’s being made and I’m out in the cold. I mean the idea is great, but it’s just not fair that I suddenly don’t get to participate because I’m “violent” and “a general risk to myself and anyone close to me.” Fuck this, let’s get drunk.

Pilot Breakdown (overheard) round 1: ABC

It’s pilot season, which means for the next couple/few weeks everyone is going to be wondering what’s going to be new on their televisions this fall. Not being an “insider,” I usually am in the same boat, but I had the good fortune to be sat next to a couple of real Hollywood types at this great lunch place that doesn’t have a name but they seat you on long benches like you’re in Europe, but they treat you like shit like you’re in prison and then they charge you like hell because you’re in Beverly Hills (adjacent). I got to overhear their conversation, which was literally just a list of all the shows at all the networks. Between bites I took notes on a napkin. These are those notes and my reactions.

They talked about ABC comedies first

American Jewy  - not really into religious stereotypes, especially in comedies, but it will do well in the middle of the country because it has the word American in it, so it’s got that going for it.

Possum clown – I love cartoons. This is a winner. I like possums. I like clowns. This show has BOTH and probably the possum IS THE CLOWN? Hell yes.

Malibu cunty -  Probably about an actress they both had sex with who really liked spiced rum! I’m not sure anyone who didn’t sleep with Malibu Cunty will get the premise of the show, and why you’d want to cast a rude ex-girlfriend in a broadcast show is beyond me.

prairie doggin - yeah right, like a whole show could exist about the 30 yards between your car and your toilet after dollar taco night! I’d give it a shot though, because it’s got everything people want: the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat and probably a few slow motion farts and diarrhea which are comedy gold.

The Smart One - good to see Taj Mowry getting back in the game

Bread Ham Fan - A cooking / DIY / enthusiast fusion in primetime? Good luck!

Only rule is Morris - Seems like the Caeser in pre-christian Israel instead of rome. I’m into it, but I don’t see much a need to make a period comedy, especially since most of the conflict wont read very well on screen. I mean, what do Egyptians even look like?

How to Live With Your Parents for the Rest of Your Life -sounds like a really shitty stupid long title of a ridiculously boring show.

ABC Dramas were next

DICKS DICKS DICKS Fart avenue – seems a bit crass and I hate dramadies, but I see they’re trying to fill the void left by our friends on wisteria lane and are desperate to recreate that success with another road-based show. not sure this is the right way to do either, but I’m no programming exec.

Bearijuana – I don’t know if the networks are ready for a drug dealing bear. Breaking bad meets the jungle book may sound like a great marriage concept but I don’t know where it would fit on the schedule.
Beauty and the Beast – are they just going to show the movie every week? I don’t understand what this means.
Previous Maids – An interview show about people reminiscing about the people who used to clean your house. Seems more TLC than ABC. Or even lifetime. Again, I’m no programming exec.

Pill and Billy – I highly doubt the guys I used to buy drugs from in college got a tv show. last I heard they were raising ducks in Ecuador. Though if they switched to Alpaca (pill’s dream) I’m sure that’d be an interesting drama to follow. An alpaca / duck farm? Brill.
Flotsam – really? Too soon. The Japanese haven’t even rebuilt from their disaster and you’re making a show about the havoc the shambles of their former lives are wreaking on our coastlines? Too soon.
Last Retort – clearly a broadcast adaptation of the Colbert Report’s final word. Seems pretty derivative but cable is clearly the minor leagues and broadcast is the big leagues, so if it works on cable it’ll work on broadcast, but since it’s bigger it’ll work better. Excited about this one.

Hashville – How do Pill and Billy have two shows on broadcast tv and I haven’t even sold the screenplay I’ve been working on for the last nine-years. I’m IN Hollywood and they’re in fucking Ecuador. Life isn’t fair.
Penocha – I don’t speak Spanish but I’m pretty sure they can’t say this on TV. It’s unpromotable. Fail.
Soup-les – Souples? Like super hero soup couple? Again, I don’t know what they’re trying to do here, but the super-hero love story was my favorite part of hancock and the soup nazi was my favorite episode of Seinfeld, so if they can soap it up, I’d tune in for this on Sunday nights!
Hero Sour -  another food / super hero show, but without the love story? Tough sell. I like love. I LOVE love. But I do like sour as opposed to savory. Maybe they can send these two back to development and combine them. like a super-hero love triangle. Soup and Sour competing for one super-heart. Sounds like a bachelor replacement to me. And super commercial.

Missed Race # 2 – or – the $37 beer and t-shirt

Missed Race # 2 – or – the $37 beer and t-shirt

It’s been 3 weeks since I have run a step aside from a painful accidental jog while taking the stage for a comedy show, which reinforced my current restful lifestyle. I missed my second race this past weekend, but in true sad-loser fashion, I showed up anyway to get my swag. Luckily my girlfriend and her sister were also running the race so I could blend in with the other non-runners and have someone to cheer for.

Of course I’m talking about The SoCal Warrior Dash. A 4.99k obstacle course / mud run. I did it last year and it was a lot of fun. I ran it in a hotdog costume and aside from my incapacitating fear of heights, I did very well. There was only one height obstacle and I powered through well enough, but definitely not with any semblance of speed. This is all, of course, beside the point because I didn’t run it this year. I did show up and get my t-shirt and complimentary beer. And a couple more beers. Hadn't drank before lunch in awhile, so that was worth getting up at 6am.

My foot still hurts. A lot. And as luck would have it, the other foot’s capsulitis has crawled back, so now I don’t know which foot to favor and now it seems I won’t be able to avoid inserts as all the information I can gather on capsulitis is rest until it goes away, stretch your calves and use a metatarsal pad or have surgery. I’m down with minimalism and good form running, but I am definitely averse to surgery, so I will sacrifice one point of view for another.

I’m still holding strong onto the belief that most, if not all, running problems can be solved with form, strength and drills and will try any drill or stretch or exercise to relieve myself of any pain before sentencing my feet to the stockade. I just have to find the right exercises to get myself better.

The next race I’ve registered for but wont toe the line at is the OC Marathon. This one’s in 4 weeks and I’m absolutely certain I wont make it. Last week I transferred entry to the half marathon on the same day which at the time was smart, but as it stands now, I wont be able to run that one either. If my foot stops hurting by then I don’t even think it’d be smart to throw a half marathon at it, since running too much too soon on bones that couldn’t handle it is what got me into this mess to begin with. But I’ll be at the expo to collect all the free fun stuff I seem to be collecting.

           

I had a great year planned on my feet, but obviously it’s not to be. I’m still processing all the lessons learned from this injury, but I am keeping a list so I wont have to learn them twice.

Resting the flat tire – or – footgate 2012

I obviously didn’t run the LA marathon, but I did make sure to carbo-load the day before because I love pasta and the pasta makes the sad go away. But only for so long. I woke up race morning and hobbled up to McDonald’s for an egg and cheese McGriddle but failed. It’s a long story.

FADE IN

Int. McDonald’s Morning

An unremarkable McDonalds except for GREG – handsome, mid 20’s, handsome - steps up to the counter to order from a smiling GRISELDA – latina in her 40’s.

                                                                GREG

                                                Could I have an Egg and cheese

                                                McGriddle, please?

She stares.

                                                                GREG

                                                An Egg and Cheese McGriddle?

Nothing. She stares through him like he is a ghost. A white ghost.

                                                                GREG

                                                Could I have a bacon egg and cheese

                                                McGriddle, please?

She snaps to action, punches keys on her touch screen.

                                                                GRISELDA

                                                (THICK Hispanic accent)

                                                Meal or Sandwich?

                                                                GREG

                                                (dumbfounded)

                                                Meal, please.

                                                                GRISELDA

                                                Coffee or Juice?

                                                                GREG

                                                Soda, actually. Is that ok?

                                                                GRISELDA

                                                What kind Soda?

Even more confused, Greg turns around to obviously look at the soda machines near the tables.

                                                                GREG

                                                Dr. Pepper?

She punches more keys on the computer. He pays. She gives him an empty cup, he fills it with diet coke, smiles to himself, gets his McGriddle, leaves.

FADE OUT

Please hold your applause until the end of this post.

So that obviously made my day start off in a very weird place. I figured since I had to cross the marathon route to get to the McDonalds, and I told a few people I’d be there that I’d stay and be there like I said.

Plus there was an annoying 40ish dude spectating who would yell at you if you tried to cross because “you’re going to mess up their strides!” which would be true if we were crossing an indoor track race, but if we can get across quickly enough so that the runners knew they wouldn’t hit us thus not altering their stride, it was a non-issue; especially when there were fifty yard gaps between runners. That guy drove me crazy and I made sure to cross twice, pretending not to know where I was going to settle down and cheer. Watching him squirm was great.

Then I got to play asshole when a darling toddler and her dad came to watch the race because they lived in the area and she just wanted to look. The problem was, we were at mile 18(ish) and they were chanting “five more miles!” which was an inconsiderate thing to do on the off chance someone wasn’t exactly aware about how wrong they were. I don’t know if I snapped or not, but I do know that I felt like shit right after I got done speaking so I went home and went back to sleep, since I planned on sleeping the afternoon away back when I had the marathon on the books.

I weighed myself Monday morning, back to the pre-training weight of 217.0 but with a higher fat % (now 23.9). I decided I had to get into something else or risk blowing up again and all the inconveniences that added weight gives me and my health both in general and acutely related to my colitis and depression. I went back to the slow carb diet and bought swim goggles. I’m sticking to the diet but still haven’t touched a pool – going to go for my first swim in years on Saturday, so look for me to get addicted to that and turn this into a swimming blog or maybe I’ll get a bike and start a triathlon blog.

Speaking of triathlon, it turns out I’ve only typed it once (now twice) in my entire life. And it’s not spelled triathAlon. My mind is blown. I’m not sure how the spelling will affect my attitude towards the sport in general, but it does feel like I was just kicked in the gut.

I finally went to the doctor again today to get results of my x-rays. After 10 days of waiting between the urgent care and the appointment with the specialist we uncovered the following truth: the X-rays weren’t exactly done right. Apparently there is a different protocol to x-ray for stress fractures than there is for normal fractures and while there were no fractures, there was insufficient indication of a stress fracture, so bottom line is: I don’t know. My foot pain decreases with rest, increases with activity, does not respond to ice, came on over an extended period of time and hurts when you apply pressure to it directly.

So naturally an orthotic will solve this problem.

What?! An orthotic? Are you mad? I got hurt because I didn’t move properly, why am I being allowed to continue to move improperly?! Why is equipment the answer? Is this equivalent to someone almost drowning in a pool and responding by prescribing them a boat? Shouldn’t I learn how to do it right? No? just pay $30-$300 and continue to do it wrong? WHAT?!

I also got a coupon for 10% off at a local shoe store. I will use this coupon to buy minimalist shoes to spite the system. I know it’s a scam because the doctor didn’t make a diagnosis, yet prescribed a catch-all cure AND gave me a coupon. Now I’m not saying my doctor is shady. I’m saying maybe the medical establishment should reconsider how they approach running. It seems to me to harken back to a bit of a snake oil science, especially considering the last time I tried orthotics and motion control shoes was because of the way my body wore down after using stability shoes and the expensive motherfuckers made me worse instantly.