Pilot Round Up Cowboy Round 7: FOX

Believe it or not FOX's announcements earlier this week were a major shock to me. I thought they were going to hold out announcing until their upfront presentation next week but I suppose they had different plans. So now that you know what all the real shows are and whether or not they were ordered or not, here is the whole slate where the series pitch is jokingly extrapolated from the title (admittedly sometimes it's the title with a typo that tees it up easier for me) and then analyzing the made up series pitch. read the rest of the networks' stuff ABC Comedies ABC dramas CBS comedies CBS dramas THE CW!!! NBC comedy and drama

Fox comedies

“Dads” – Dads is a rough one. I mean, I’ve heard of dads, and some of my friends had dads but a whole TV show about dudes telling you, the viewer that you’re not good enough and blaming you for them losing their job, getting dumped by their girlfriends, getting locked up for parole violations and then just disappearing seems like a bit of a stretch beyond the fourth season. How many weeks will viewers show up after being promised a sweet new baseball glove or a ride on a motorcycle, but then all there is is nothing. NOTHING. This show sucks. I hate you, Dad!

“Enlisted” – FOX has taken a BIG swing here and I really appreciate that. David Letterman’s top ten list is the greatest comedy moment in the history of language and to go behind the scenes like the hilarious “after lately” does (goes behind the scenes on the hilariously hilarious Chelsea handler show) and tell us stories about the people who tell us stories in a semi-scripted show heavily focused on the top ten list writers and their writing of the top ten lists every night is VERY appealing to me. Big swings end up with Big hits and that is what this show will be.

“Friends and Family” – talk about brand fusion, ! boom revolution brand fusion! Friends and family is that one show tv fans couldn’t have even dreamt about when we were kids because data plans and cell phone minutes were science fiction let alone a shared data / minutes usage plan that allows you to call your friends and family for free and text them for free and send them emails for free is BOOM brand fusion masterpiece advertising! AT&T has never produced a TV show before and this prospect is really exciting. (BUT GREG HOW IS THIS A COMEDY? Uh. Aren’t your friends and family hilarious? so are everyones. It’ll probably be a lot of funny phone calls among people with shared histories. YAY)

“The Gaybriels” – I’m lost. I’m so lost. three strong ones and then this anti-prop 8 bullshit showing us how happy a gay family can be? I thought this was entertainment not an election! Plus if you’ve ever read that one part in the bible about being gay and how that’s wrong you’d know that being gay is wrong! If this show makes air all of our kids will be doing drugs and behaving homosexually. Shame on you, fox. Shame. On. You.

“I suck at Girls”  - what? Girls is not a verb.

“Assistants” – Here’s fox’s attempt to appeal to the little, nameless scumbags that fuck up your commute every morning and park in your space and burn your fucking coffee: assistants. Or as I refer to them: Ass Ants. Because they’re miniscule and butt-like and also have freakish strength to body-weight ratios. This show will probably give a couple of them names and show how much they’re willing to be shitty at everything for a chance to be a boss one day but what they don’t know, and this is a huge secret that I’ll probably get murdered by the iluminati for revealing, but what they don’t know is that there’s a secret caste system at play in business. Sure some people cross over (see: Night Shift) but for the most part you will always be your first job unless Jamiroquai (the puppet master reincarnate) wills you to ascend.

“Two Wongs” – this can’t be another to wong foo joke, though I am fond of those. This one’s going racial. Two wongs is CLEARLY about to Asian people both named Wong and there are two of them. Did I mention the total count of “wongs” in this show is 2? I would’ve called it wong squared, wong by wong, or double dragon. This show is a funny one because I know the guys it’s based off of. Oddly enough freddy wong and his brother jimmy wong both used to be DJs at Crazy Girls which is a titty-bar. And if you think they didn’t have some hilarious comedic romps that would be rife with televisual excapades, you’d be Wong.

“Brooklyn 9-9” – this is a classic story that I grew up with and I’m glad to see someone finally had the courage to adapt it to a comedy series. For those who don’t know, Brooklyn 9-9 is about the building of the Brooklyn bridge, the politics and financing and tammany hall being what it was, the bridge building was no small feat and for those vote-buffs out there you’ll know that the first vote in the Wards went 9-9. A deadlock. The story goes, if I remember it correctly as I haven’t heard it since kindergarten, that after the deadlock vote, Boss Tweed went from house to house of the 9 dissenters and murdered them in their beds, then called a re-vote and the bridge was passed. Such a feel good story about perseverance and dedication and kids will learn a lot from it on Saturday mornings.

And Now the Dramas

“Boomerang” -  Usually I don’t go for reboots but boomerang really really hits a soft spot inside of me. that soft spot is my Paul Hogan soft spot. If FOX ran this for their entire lineup, I would watch. That’s 16.5 hours of Crocodile Dundee every week and I am not exaggerating or comically overstating my love for crocodile Dundee. I could watch this man do anything ESPECIALLY use his boomerang to capture bounties like dog the bounty hunter. Will he have an obnoxious sloppy female counterpart with way too much body / hair / nails? Maybe. I don’t care. I’m signing up for a season pass on my DVR and I WILL find a way to snort it.

“Delerium” – Speaking of snorting it, delirium. In a world where drugs are not illegal and are in fact: legal, there are some who choose to be sober and the police then track them down and make them do drugs. They call them “Detoxes” and carry around syrettes  of morphine and sometimes they dose them and kill them on accident. So there’s a revolutionary group of detoxes who are leading the sobriety movement and they all know drunken master kung fu (Jackie Chan is their leader) (Jet Li is in it too)(Also Jason Statham) and they smoke herbal cigarettes and drink coca cola out of brown bags so nobody knows they’re sober and they drink water out of vodka bottles so people think they’re drinking. It’s a wild world and we’ll get to live in it for 44 minutes a week. It’s also sponsored by coke, which is cool.

“Gang Related” – this is a fun dramedy. It’s an adaptation of CSI Miami’s horatio mcpoliceguy. He moves to CSI los angeles but then gets transferred to FOX where he is murder police but still in los angeles. He goes to the roughest hoods to investigate crimes but every crime he sees he just racistly stands up and declares “I think this one’s” then he whips off his sunglasses and stares RIGHT DOWN THE LENS and says, “GANG RELATED” because not only is the murder the fault of a gang but since they’re in a poor neighborhood he assumes the victim is also related to someone in a gang and then the rest of the show that week is him in sensitivity training.

“Human” – I love electronic dance music and I love FOX’s idea here to bring daft punk to the small screen. They’re like the blueman group but instead of instruments they play computers and remix stuff! This is so clearly the replacement for American idol that I don’t even know what else to say. It’s a shoe in for a coke sponsorship / presidential award of merit.

“The Lisp” – this is another foray into the gay world for fox, documenting a speech therapist who solves crimes using speech pathology. Tim Roth plays a wise beyond his class cockney brit speech therapist who dissects speech patterns to determine crime-ability with stunning results. Also, he’s gay, so it has that thing going for it. a gay main character. Hope Tim Roth has his emmy polish ready….

“Brake” – again fox shows its true colors by going after its true base: day laborers. Specifically auto-mechanics. Think about it: if half the fucking auto-mechanics in half the fucking cities of the USA would watch this show, tell one friend each who told one friend about their friend who is a mechanic and recommended this show this thing would be a hit! We’re talking like a ratings bonanza! I mean ratings like “Bonanza” which was another show that was once on tv and had good ratings. I think Patrick duffy was in it. he’s in brake too. he’s the show’s name sake: the handsome white former 4^th man on the USA Olympic bobsled team also known as: the brake man” because he operates the brake. He comes home from park city after a bronze medal and can’t find work so he has to sweep floors for $20 a day at his cousin’s auto-body shop in Anaheim. Sounds like a great show to me, as Patrick duffy is very handsome.

“Sleepy Hollow” – this one has a lot of hype on it. it’s about a hypersomniac with no organs and he wanders the world on foot and meets interesting people and helps them solve problems with their lives. It’s like quantum leap but instead of traveling through time and space as the result of an accident he just walks. So it’s like kung fu but a lot less fighting and a lot more talking. Full disclosure: I’ve never seen kung fu, so if there is no actual fighting in a show named after a fighting style, then ignore the last comment about this show having less fighting. Also if the network execs back then had the courage to name a show after a fighting style and then have no fighting in said show, I’d be super impressed.

“The Wild Blue” – Blue crush? Blue crush 2? Blue Streak? No. The Wild Blue. Martin Lawrence goes under cover as a female professional surfer in a police station to recover a cache of turquoise he hid under the sea that now happens to be under the world’s first surfpolice station. Justin Theroux is directing the pilot, it should be a dandy… almost a guaranteed pickup.

2013 pilot season episode 6: NBC

let's get real. i'm starting to get very tired at this point. tired of what? links. find them all in the intro to the last post which was the CW's.

Next up is NBC. NBC is in a weird place because their offices are literally a theme park. (universal studios, hollywood). Discovering the titles and assuming most of the rest on my own would prove to be a challenge when you consider that they basically charge people money to come to their offices and watch them work. so i did that. that's what i did. i paid money and i walked into universal studios, hollywood and when they started giving me actual correct information i earmuffed it and made sure to yell "LA LA LA LA" so nothing accidentally penetrated my earmuffs and also attract attention to myself so people would be like "why don't you want to know all about the NBC pilots?" and i would be all like "I ALREADY KNOW ALL I NEED TO KNOW FROM THE TITLES, TOURIST!" and then they're all like "cool do you have a blog?" and then BOOM. i'm famous. rocking double digit page-views all day long. eat your heart out huffington post.

I'm posting comedies and drama this morning because why break them up? if i post them together i only have to write one intro. and finally tomorrow is FOX if i can get around to it. those fox executives don't ride the bus, don't have a theme park, don't work in a pre-school and don't eat off the lot so i may have to do some actual sleuthing to get the inside edge on that one. wish me luck and enjoy.

NBC Comedy:

“About a Boy” – I kinda like the idea here. It’s exactly halfway there. About? Yes. oh please tell me what it’s about. A? ooooH an indefinite article. It’s not THE anything, it’s just A something. Cool. I’m listening. Boy? Boy? Is that it? you sure there’s not a second half of the word there? Maybe something more interesting than just a boy and also less common and also way awesomer? Suggestion? How about “About a boyTOS?” boom! Free notes for you, NBC. That’s TV. STACK THE EMMY’S OVER THERE BEHIND THAT PALET OF MONEY. Good Christ, I’m the best.

“Assistance” – this is a pretty high concept drama where it’s just Rod Farva (from Hollywood movie: Super Troopers) sits at his internet police scanner from home in spurberry and asks if they need assistance after they describe the crime they’re dealing with. They don’t. and he is foiled, time and time again by whatever exactly happened to that school bus.

“Brenda Forever” – a much awaited followup to EDTV where it’s just a 24 hour live-feed on this check Brenda. She doesn’t do much. She’s on the dole. She’s out from a government job on disability and pretty much confined to the sofa but she’s the VP of comedy development’s sister and when you go out on disability you only get 80% pay so this is just a charity pilot. Or it was until Cheetos execs saw the pilot and were all like “we’ll pay for that!” so now it’s going to go between Community and Go On and they’re bringing Dan Harmon back to run it.

“The Donor Party” – as an avid outdoorsman I find it patently offensive that they’d make a comedy about people dying in the snow and being eaten by their friends and family after being duped by some hornswaggler back in Colorado city and taking an ill-advised shortcut through the fucking pass named after them. That just sounds like a comedy of errors. Oh. I see. Bravo, NBC.

“Drop off” – I’ve been meaning to start this twitter feed in order to get a development deal with NBC as NBC is the only network that airs enough shit to have a show that is literally about shit. My twitter feed idea was just pictures, weights, and vivid descriptive details about the movement itself for my bowel evacuations, but it seems NBC was bright enough to invent a clear toilet and capture it all on video and then have a panel of judges rate the dooks. Seems legit. I’ll watch. But I still had the idea first.

“Girlfriend in a Coma” – god fucking damn I WISH this was a reality show and they were casting because I want my girlfriend to be in a coma so fucking bad I could cause blunt force trauma to her hea- wait. I think I’ve said too much and unfortunately my backspace, delete, insert and other keys that would allow me to destroy that potentially damning bit of evidence are broken. Dear police, forget what you just read.

“Holding Patterns” – interior design, I think, is the last pond not pissed in by the uric fucks in the world of comedy, so when I saw this I was initially upset, then really happy because there are so many jokes from that world that I’ve been missing out on my entire life! It’s like discovering I had a backup heart or a lovely singing voice: my life is just better because this is a thing and thank you NBC! Thank you brandon tartikoff!

“Joe & Joe & Jane” – I’ve totally seen this movie before. Jane’s all like “I need you, joe” and then these TWO guys are like simultaneously “OK, Jane! I’m yours!” and then they do it. and by do it I mean they play dumb to solve crimes. Dumb like a fox! Because they’re just playing dumb so the criminals underestimate them. Joe is a paranormal investigator and Joe doesn’t believe in ghosts and jane needs them both because Joe is strong and Joe is weak. Joe speaks Spanish and Joe speaks no Spanish. So they’re clearly the perfect team and Jane has LOTS of JOEks. (jokes with the punchline of “Joe!”) so this is clearly a midseason hit.

“Undateable” – Remember that Eunuch from the ABC drama played by Rowan Atkinson the guy who played Mr. Bean? Or was it sacha baron cohen? Hey I’ll bet they re-boot the bean movies with sacha baron cohen, that’d be hilarious. this show tho, is about that eunuch and how he ended up on that train in pre-ww2 belgium. It’s a pre-quel series and it’s rare that you’d have 2 related series on 2 competing networks but NBC is all like “We’ll do anything!” and ABC is all like “NBC? Don’t they lose to Univision? Shit. A pickup on NBC is like a cancellation anywhere else. Fuck it. “

“The Family Guide” – a history professor hilariously investigates his own family tree after being diagnosed with a rare heart disease that is genetic but also only curable from someone who is a direct descendant of patient 0. Also they’re all blind.

“Downtowners” – just your standard comedy about people who are too intimidated by their own genitals to talk about oral sex in any other way but hinting at it through seemingly meaningless but geographically accurate colloquialisms. Sounds brilliant.

“Mulany” – Megan Mullally gets her big shot to follow up her crushing performance on will & grace with her own spin on the Seinfeld comedy genre. Yes, it’s a show about nothing but this time Elaine is jerry and jerry is George and Kramer is Newman and they’re all women except one man. Peterman. Peterman is the only man. Megan Mullally. That name will single-handedly bring back must-see-tv. Mostly to decipher what the fuck I’m trying to describe this show as, but bring it back nonetheless.

“The Michael J Fox Show” – Because the first title was too close to “parks and rec” and “frank n sons” they just decided to call it what it was. the Michael J Fox show. wont be as hard to promote as “Frank and Rec”, so they’re doing themselves a couple favors, really.

“Mr. Robinson” – what if the graduate was about an older black male seducing a younger white female?  That’s right. Everyone who made it, approved it, promoted it, liked it, or watched it would be in jail or working at TMZ. But that was then. This is now. TMZ is legit and sure they post pervy pictures of underage girls as long as they’re famous (miley, kim kardashian’s sister to name 2) but they have a legitimate market share in this brave new world. So instead of Nabukov suing for copyright infringement, they turn Mrs. Robinson black and boom, they’re heroes.

“Sean Saves the World” – I think the super-hero genre is a bit played out, personally, but at least this one is broad enough so people may actually care. I mean, captain planet was a waste and he was a freako mutant that nobody could identify with, and that’s the only existing property where the stakes were as high as this one’s are. Plus it’ll really appeal to the extreme couponing world which is a murderous rage these days. talk about passionate fan base!

“Welcome to the Family” – Another companion show to be programmed along side “the family guide” where we follow the family members the blindfolk discover along the way and the genetic heart diseases they have that aren’t interesting enough to compel the blind family to stay and help even though they have an insane amount of money thanks to the accident that made them all blind (AMC 3D production of Iron Man 3. Did I mention: FUSION)

Drama

“The Night Shift” – this one along with super fun night is the 2^nd medieval show this season and I don’t know why. I mean, how many jobs does sean connery need? Do we need a coming of age drama following the SHIFT between pagehood and knighthood? Um. YES we do! It’d be like downtown abbey when the young one married the help but it’s the whole series! Delicious. This comedy tastes great.

“Believe” – if you believe in life after love than you will LOVE cher’s return to television. I know a ton of people (mostly in my fan club) who have been marking off calendars for YEARS waiting for Cher to come back to TV… I’ve been waiting ever since she stopped doing Elvira for her concert documentary series. It’s like rihanna’s 777 except she can sing, is on time for stuff and feeds the people who she has trapped in a steel tube.

“The Blacklist” – WHOA WHOA WHOA! NBC GO HOME YOU’RE DRUNK! Sorry guys. I’m sorry. they don’t mean it. I mean, yes they said it but they’re from the south and their old so they don’t know how wrong that was to say. Yes we’re leaving. I’m so sorry. here let me buy you a round of drinks. Again. Super sorry. we’re gone.

“Bloodline” – NBC invented the modern medical drama with ER and launched Clooney into international fame and fortune. This show probably will do exactly the same thing for the world of Phlebotomy. Think about it. the drama of corroborating the patient’s identity, reading the little tiny bar codes and obtaining the proper vial(s), tying off that vein, having them make a fist WAY too close to their crotch, finding and poking that vein, switching vials without getting sprayed ALL THE WHILE having a really bitchy kind of alarmingly ghetto conversation with the other phlebotomists about their mutual ex-boyfriend’s criminal record? Brilliant.

“Hatfields & McCoys” – another tired old adaptation. Ugh. This one seems like a chore. We’ve all heard stories our entire lives about the legendary fueds between the Left and Right twix factories and seen so many plays, audio stories, books, graphic novels, poems, film and television based on it that I don’t think this is a smart idea. Yea. The hatfields cascade the chocolate onto the cookie and carmel and the mccoys drizzle it. big fucking deal. We’ve seen it and we’re tired of it! unless it gets some serious coke sponsorship (which would make it cool).

“Victor” – great. the one thing I go to bed every night wishing for was more Russians on television. PSYCH. I hate Russians. They charge for bbq sauce (or is that Wendy’s?). anyways, I’m out.

“Ironside” – it’d be really fucked up if instead of this being a historical recreation of a civil war battleship crew and the trials and tribulations associated with close quarters living and mind numbing racism set against the backdrop of the pre-antebellum south, it was an action show with the main character being in a wheelchair. If there’s one thing dramas don’t do enough of is appeal to differently abled audiences by placing a walking actor in a wheelchair and then naming the show the ONLY slur for people in wheelchairs, so I think that’d be really funny if that were the case, but it’s not, because like I said: civil war drama. I mean… a cop in a wheelchair? Why wouldn’t the criminals just go up one stair?

“The Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives” – this isn’t the first time they tried to adapt “everybody poops” (rem did a whole song about it), but it seems as if they’ve found their vehicle to get that book the first PEGOT prize (which is an EGOT plus a Pulitzer, which that book already has) in history with the 2^nd leg of the journey: an emmy.  Which this surely will get as the Dr. Phil meets Cheaters drama follows the secret lives of husbands and wives as they: sit in the dark watching baseball, sit in the dark drinking beer, sit in the dark with the lights off and the chicks do stuff too, I’m sure, but I don’t know because it’s secret! Which leads me to the obvious: JJ Abrams is producing. He’s got a sweetheart deal with Disney and the concept of secrecy which they’ve copyrighted for him in perpetuity.

“The sixth gun” – this Allen Iverson starrer seems a bit off brand but when you consider the success of Friday Night Lights you’d probably be down with a pro sports, zombie, racial enlightenment drama and NBC is just the right network to pull it off! But why is it called the sixth gun and why is allen Iverson starring? This joke seems really inaccessible. What I was thinking was: “not the first gun. Not the second gun. Not the third gun. Not the fourth gun. Not the fifth gun. Practice.” I guess I could and SHOULD have made Robert Horry the star. Oh well, there’s always next year.

“Crisis” – full disclosure: back in high school I was a tv production nerd. Part of our gig was to go help the theater nerds record their dramatic monologues for art school applications. The best one I had seen came from our comedy sportz referee whom I also knew from his side gig as a DJ. Yes, he had a sixty minute live show on Saturdays where he spun electronic dance music and I TD’d it. His name? DJ Crisis, the show? Crisis Hour. Brilliant then, brilliant now. I’m glad to see NBC is bringing that to their national network for the fall. Hopefully they’ll add a couple spinning chairs and eva longoria will come on board to produce along with adam levine (who just signed a first look deal with NBC not for music for which he is known, but for tv: a thing that he is on and plays himself which is a great idea. Forget the droves of demonstratively talented folks beating down their door with the next SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL script, just sign this dude who sings like an angel and has sick abs.

“Wonderland” – seriously adam levine’s abs are sick. Sorry. that thought crept through to the next review. Wonderland is a strange one. Is it likely that the Wonders get back together after their tumultuous break up at the hands of Playtone records, have a second wind of musical success, change their name BACK to “THE ONEDERS” before realizing hilariously for a second time that it was a mistake, once again become the wonders and start a theme park in Erie, Pennsylvania celebrating the entire play-tone catalogue, more specifically the greatest hits of the wonders and one ride that is just a .gif of Tom Hanks laughing? No. that is not likely. Would that be entertaining stretched out over a hundred and fifty episodes? YUH. Great job, NBC!

Pilot Preview Round 5: THE CW!!

I had the good fortune of walking to work today. Unfortunately I twisted my ankle in front of a pre-school where one of the development executives for the CW works. No. not a development executive's kid, but an executive. she's like 5. and also a registered nurse. she treated my twisted ankle quite well while making small talk about her day job (she's just developing and nursing to pay the bills until she can get her big break in her dream career: Katy Perry. she wants to be Katy Perry when she grows up. i told her how you don't grow up and just be another person who was famous when you were a baby and i think i broke her. she wept, called me stupid said my test came back for cooties and ran inside.)(i hope she doesn't call my parole officer) but from what she said about the projects, i got enough to analyze what they probably will end up being.
ICYMI (CBS drama comedy ABC drama comedy Last year's ABC CBS & NBC)

CW

“Blink” – if there’s one thing young people love it’s pop punk. So if you could somehow make a show about a pop-punk band without all the fucks that come with pop-punk you’d have BLINK. It’s BLINK 182 without all the fucks AND with younger, hotter, blacker haired actors playing the band as younger Tom Delonge, Mark Hoppus and Travis Thedrummer. This is super interesting to me as I used to be young and like looking at young people because I remember being young and wish I still was but also I’m ok not being young because I was fat then.

“Company Clown” – I think this is a huge score for the CW. Terry Tate: Office Linebacker was one of the better sketchmercials of all time and the fact that NOBODY jumped on it to develop it to a series is an abomination on the entire industry of entertainment. But now that I’ve heard these execs talk about company clown I’ve realized that perfection takes time and it clearly took ten full years to adapt that sketchmercial to a young, supple audience like the CW and what do young people like the most? Clowns! Who’s dream job is an office job that is boring and doesn’t pay that great? NOBODY’S! Nobody wants to watch their potential future as being boring or potentially soul-crushing BUT if there was only a show about a possible future where a company hires a clown to walk around and clown around with the employees, then there would still be hope. This is that show. It will give you hope.

“The 100” – Roger Maris had 61, McGwire had 70 and Bonds had 73. This show is a future baseball drama about the 4-way battle for 100 in everyone’s dream world where baseball season is 11 months long and steroids are legal /encouraged in order for baseball to maintain sports marketshare in light of truly gnarly sports like MMA and Waterboarding. Sounds dope, right? Well I haven’t even gotten to the hook. Here is the hook. Hook: baseball is played by young hot women because all the men went to go to play waterboarding and MMA. So it’s like a league of their own but with roids and smaller fields. Tom Hanks is producing / reprising his role as “pukey drunk coach.”

“The Originals” – finally! I’ve been waiting for a hipster drama starring really good looking young people since before it was cool. I hope lauren Conrad can be in this one as the gross older mom (what is she, like 30? YUCK!). this show is obviously the story of the earliest adapters in a town of hip and young and cool and wealthy kids who all have like, hot parents who are not old because old people are gross! So basically this show will tell us what’s cool to do and wear and think because we’ll want to be cool like the cool kids that were the original cool kids. Cool.

“Oxygen” – another obvious example of brand fusion! Oxygen (the cable network) is going to produce a 1 hour show to get young, hot girls who watch the CW to get ready to be old and gross and watch Oxygen by basically showing them stuff like how to be a lady and what schools are the best schools to go to if you want to be a real housewife and kegel exercises and what plastic surgeries are the best and also how to negotiate the terms of your own sex tape… basically everything you need to know to be a successful woman without all of that bullshit hard work and intelligence.

“Reign” – as a man named “greg” I’ve been waging a battle against the Silent G for my entire life and this is one area where I will not compromise. This show seems to deem some letters as superior to others and I find that offensive and in 2013 I demand equality. 1/26 for all. down with reign! I’d watch rain though. That sounds the same and is much less offensive and who wouldn’t tune in once a week for video of a compelling thunderstorm? Network: saved. You’re welcome CW.

“The Selection” – If road rules met hunger games BUT in a democracy and ONLY with young attractive females and males this would be that show. like america’s next top model but instead of us voting they’re competing to the death in mental challenges not unlike the word/ground puzzle in Indiana jones and the last crusade. There will be maths, literatures, and art histories quizzes but they’re all confined to swimwear because rules are rules! And then America votes based on who they like the best, not based on the premise of the show – which is a total rip off of the voice which is called the voice but then once they see the contestant they never vote for the adeles, only the whitneys. The selection’s ad campaign: no fat chicks. Hashtag CW.

“The Tomorrow People” – I don’t know if I can tune in every week for a show about a group of good looking young people who procrastinate until it’s almost too late but then finish right on time and with surprisingly decent results considering the lack of care they put into their project. Who am I kidding? It’s got the 4 things I look for in EVERY tv show: Good Looking Young People. I’ll tivo this one for sure. watch it when I have the time.

Pilot Season 2k13, analysis round number 4: CBS drama

The great part about life is how lucky you get. I was at a bus stop near the grove yesterday and got to listen in on a conversation about the CBS comedy pilots, and then I was visiting my grandparents' grave (via skype; they're buried in New Jersey) and the man at the neighboring computer in the PC Cafe was talking loudly on the phone to his assistant. mostly needed computer advice but between "what do you mean F 4? do you mean hit F and then 4?" and things like that they talked about all the Dramas at CBS. the drama pilots, not the bitchy assistants who keep a tmblr about the rest of the assistants. it's just commentary on their body mass indexes. not even a witty snaps book, just the ratios of their weight to their height.

Anyways, I got to listen to this guy talk about the pilots and then i got to go home and think some thoughts about what i heard and then i got to turn on my computer and type those thoughts. for those curious few here is my take on ABC Dramas ABC Comedies and if you're clever you can find last year's posts. hint. they're linked in the ABC drama header.

I will now get out of my own way and get down to it. the CBS Drama Pilots for fall 2013

“Advocates” – this show is RIGHT on time. with all the performance enhancing drug scandals of late this show will be totally on point and topical and I love when tv is both of those things. I first took advo when I was 19 and in college and trying to lose weight. I bought it from an advocate on campus at college. He was a strange dude and I remember going “man, I wish I had a tv on the off chance that someone would take this dude’s probably weird life, adapt it to a television show and then put that show onto the tv so I could watch and also not have to deal with this dude anymore. he keeps looking at my feet.”

“Anatomy of Violens” – this show seems like it’s a pretty thin premise. I mean you take one violen apart and see it’s insides to solve a crime you’d think that’d be pretty much the extent of the entire story, but to make a whole show about it? it’s like, hello? Criminals? Stop doing crimes that can be solved by taking apart a violen! Jeesh!

“Backstrong” – a thinly veiled adaptation of real life: a middle of the road professional athlete contracts wicked back cancer BUT defeats it (with or without the help of Advo, depending on if they only want to have 1 writer for both shows)(LOVE that idea) and then comes back to dominate the world in his sport for like 6 seasons and then 1 movie and then forever on syndication. This is a feel good story every week and will find a very desperate audience, as everyone knows at least one person with cancer and will probably donate money to keep this show on the air just so they can watch someone kick cancer’s ass every week!

“Beverly Hills Cop” – this is like Cops meets Housewives of Beverly hills, in other words: HOT HOT HOT! Who wouldn’t want to watch these hot, supple young idealistic police officers pulling over black people in nice cars for no reason (if you don’t think a black person in a nice car is reason enough to pull them over) and also have Persian men yell how they pay their salary and this ticket is nothing to them and they’ll have you fired (bro)? Trick question. Because nobody wouldn’t want to see that. This show is the American dream! It’s freedom at work! Jesus would watch this show if he came back and understood television.

“Host Ages” – I really admire CBS for taking this risk here. A lot of networks would be too shy or too territorial to invite mega-talent from other networks to their air, but CBS is all like, nope! we’re going to host a reality host hosting contest until we find the host of the ages now that dick clark is gone. So seacrest, carson daly, the weakest link lady, regis, drew carey, that morning show guy who pooped himself at the white-house and many MANY more are going to battle in a tournament style competition of hostingly specific duties, such as sending people home, telling people they’re safe, waiting a long time to say words, promising us something interesting is right on the other side of the break, asking a fictional tech person to turn down the lights and holding a microphone without bending your fingers (which for some reason is a thing), and many more! I can’t wait for this one. I’ve always wanted to know who was the best at it!

“Intelligence” – I hate this show. full disclosure I was forcibly removed from an intelligentsia café in culver city for allegedly disturbing the customers, which is bullshit because A why are they looking at my computer screen Mind your own business, fuckfaces! And B at the time it was my full time JOB to turn the 2 girls 1 cup video into GIF form, so quit trying to get in the way of my American dream, yo! Life liberty and the pursuit of happiness! (this was back in 2007 when 2 girls 1 cup was topical and not a fucked out joke premise *cough* Amy Schumer *cough*) but long story short, nobody wants to see a drama about the harrowing journey the fuckhats that run that stupid draconian café took to discover their magical coffee bean and proprietary roasting process, NOBODY!

“The Ordained” – if I had to choose between The or Dained, I’d totally go The, based pretty much only on the fact that I don’t know what it means to be dained but props to cbs for getting ontop of the choose your own adventure genre. I can’t want to text my suggestions for what the characters say next because I’ll be all like “make ‘em talk german!” because german sounds funny.

“Reckless” - I see CBS is also trying to get in on the Midwestern crack smoking truck driver with no accidents Genre. Or did CBS invent the genre? What? Who else’s mind just got blown?

“Second Sight” – This idea may be way off brand for CBS, I mean a hippie detective who has to smoke a bunch of drugs to use his third eye to solve crimes may be a cool idea on USA (that’s basically Psych, right?) but not on CBS! CBS is the home of Creative Broadcasting Solutions which clearly appeals to an older, wealthier, more intelligent audience with such hits as NCIS, NCIS LA, NCIS RED, NCIS NY, and my favorite show in the history of all time NCIS NCIS. Those aren’t cheap shows OR shows aimed at jobless drug addicted youth like this Second Sight garbage. Wait. I just had a thought. Today’s drug addled youth are tomorrow’s wealthy adults so this show would create a farm system for their target demo and get them used to watching the EYE while the EYE watches them. and who knows, maybe they’ll lose the remote and be too drugged up to figure how to change the channel without it?

“The Surgeon General” – Little known fact: in addition to being a lawyer and a slave owner, Robert E. Lee was also a surgeon. In fact, so often was he called into service as a surgeon that some revisionist historians are beginning to make the argument with good support that this is a leading reason the south lost the civil war. Not ineffective supply lines or the lack of true popular support or a particularly effective blockade by the north, but simply the fact that he was too often called away from his job as leader of the southern armies to perform surgery. So this show is about that conflict. He’s a surgeon, general and I think this is the strongest time period dramedy idea I’ve heard in a long time. because hilarity ensues. Did I mention hilarity ensues? It does.

Pilot Season Summary round 3 CBS Comedy

i got lucky today. i was waiting for a bus near the Grove, which i think is near where CBS is. I actually don't know. but i was in a bus shelter with the CBS logo on it (seriously, that thing is EVERYWHERE) and i got to over-hear basically their entire pilot collection from these other guys who were in the bus shelter. because it was RAINING, which is complete bullshit, but whatever. i pretended i wasn't listening to these dudes, but they straight up went through the entire line up of pilots and i took notes, in my head, as best i could while still pretending to not be listening.

at this point you're like "what? forreal?" and yes. this is real. start here for a quick explanation or hit up this post for links to the ABC analysis as well as last year's. but this year i'm onto CBS already with like 4 days to go! here's their comedy potential for this coming fall!

CBS Comedy – CBS comedy is always a mystery. I mean how are they so awesome at everything and it’s all so funny! This season seems to be another grand slam as far as any measure of success you can come up with.

“Bad Teacher” – this sounds so funny. I was watching Bad Teacher (the movie) the other day and it ended. That’s when I blacked out and woke up handcuffed to a table in Tijuana. You might infer to yourself quite reasonably, “Self, did greg get so angry at the fact that his favorite movie: bad teacher ended that he went into an incredible hulk type rage culminating in a dangerous and public arrest in Tijuana, Mexico?” and you’d be right. That is exactly what happened. So CBS is not only programming one of the most greatest TV shows of all time, but they’re also saving no less than 14 pugs and 9 pounds of cheeklay from utter oblivion as now that the movie never ends because now it’s a tv series, I wont hulk out and murder dogs and chew a bunch of bubblegum. A+

“Crazy Puns” – This seems like the coolest idea I’ve ever imagined. I’ve always been curious about the world of insane pun writing and this show will absolutely enlighten me on that fresh and brave world that lays just beneath 100% of every comedic anything in the history of the world: the pun. I want to see this show now. where do I line up? I wish I could write puns. If I had any talent at writing puns this would be a whole paragraph of cutesie turns of phrase so everyone would know how witty I am and how good I am at combining rhymes and pop-culture. Maybe after season 14 of Crazy Puns I’ll be better equipped to write one. *fingers crossed*

“Ex-Men” – I probably spoke too soon by saying the first two were the best comedies of the year. Clearly THIS is the best comedy of the year. Will Wesley Snipes, John Leguizamo and the Ghost of Patrick Swayze (or a hologram thereof) make a cameo in the pilot? I hope so. I do really hope so. To Wong Foo, thanks for everything, Julie Numar was the best movie of my childhood aside from Bad Teacher, but the only thing missing from it was a laugh track, which made it hard to know when I should laugh because laughing at the right time is very important to me expecially when I’m watching jokes about girls who used to be boys. I’m laughing already!

“Friends with Better Lives” – while this isn’t the BEST show on CBS this year, it still looks incredibly funny. I liked friends so much. Like when Ross and Rachel were in the planetarium and they were all making out and stuff but then Rachel popped a juice box on ross but she thought it was him pooping so she was all like ‘it’s ok,’ but then HE was all like ‘oh. uh uh.’ And then they kept making out. That was a really good scene and I miss it. So when I heard CBS was rebooting friends but would give them all better lives, I was all like “WOO HOO!” Rachel OWNS nordstroms. Monica has like 5 food trucks that make her a ton of money. Ross still teaches paleontology (that is a dope job and the best one that I can think of so his life was pretty good to begin with) but Ben (his kid) is a child actor so ross is super rich (even tho did you see his apartment? ‘spannnnnsive!). Phoebe wrote “call me maybe” AND “Friday” so she’s rolling in that youtube money. Joey choked on uncooked pepperoni at craft services for that show he came out to LA to do and won a ton of money in a settlement AND all the pizza he could eat for life so he’s pretty much set, which leaves chandler… could he HAVE a better life than the one we left him with at the end of friends? Yes. and he does now. Because that’s the fucking show. it’s friends… with better lives CBS this fall!

“Jacked Up!” – this one is one of those high concept comedies where I’m like “could this work?” and then I’m like “yuh!” (which is yeah and duh combined). This is just like “point break live”  but instead of it being based on Point Break (the Hollywood film) it’s based on New Jack City. The concept being that Wesley Snipes’ character is played by a different white actor every week. And they call him jack. So every week there’s a new jack in the city (new jack city) and though they’re doing the same lines every week, he (jack) is reading off of cue cards and doesn’t really know what’s going on so the story always gets jacked up (yuh!) and hilarity ensues. And if you watch this show and check in on getglue you get a free meatball sub from subway (eat fresh).

“Mom” – I think this is the closest thing to a misstep as CBS has made. It’s just a lot of baggage that comes with calling a show “mom.” I mean, let’s say someone had unrealistic standards placed on them by a woman of the same name / title and now we’re supposed to sit at home and watch that show named after HER and LAUGH?! More like rock ourselves to sleep while this show goes and has special time alone with her friends in las vegas and then the principal calls home because you haven’t gone to school in three weeks and then YOU have to go to jail? I thought this was America.

“The McCarthy’s” – I love jenny mccarthy. I definitely cannot wait for her family comedy where all the characters are like “modern medicine makes you sick!” and then die after like 2 episodes and then we just follow them in heaven where they teach God about religion but then he’s all like “you’re annoying lol” and then sends them to hell and then the mccarthy’s are all like “hey satan wanna know how to be evil? We know everything about everything better than the experts!” and then he’s all like “I’m satan so I like hell but now that they’re here I wanna go anywhere else.

“Super Clyde” – this highly anticipated project, a follow up to the hit film “superbad” from not too long ago where the fat ones go to college and the skinny one gets a porn subscription so they never see him anymore so the fat ones replace him with a new friend and then his name is clyde but there’s no real reason why there’s “Super” except kinda the song, maybe? But anyway, the fat ones make a new friend at college and he wears a cape and he’s clyde but he is not super. He’s a mutant and they met him in college and he lives in the dorms with them but he doesn’t actually have powers, he can only control the relation between time and space. No not like night crawler. Night crawler had super powers, super clyde does not have super powers, his mind can just do things beyond our comprehension.

“unauthorized greg garcia project” – I’m very excited about this show. first of all, I’m pretty great. second of all, I really like me. third thing: I’ve always wondered what it would be like if A I was Mexican or another type of Hispanic maybe, and B if people were all like “ima do a project about you, but I don’t have the authority!” so this project is 3 interesting points out of 3 possible points, which makes me excited because that’s 100% awesome, like me, who I am quite fond of. A+

“Untitled Jim Gaffigan Comedy” – This one had no title, but instead of calling it a project, they went out of their way to call it the untitled jim gaffigan comedy. This is how you know it’s going to be funny and not just some plotless half-written shameless attempt at riding the coattails of other comedians on other networks who take actual risks, and will be funny. This show will definitely not be a waste of time even though it may seem like they didn’t even give enough of a shit to give it a working title. I mean, who would want to watch a show that was called “Gaff-again!” or “Laffigan” or “Jim Gaffigan is in this show” back before anyone ever heard of it? that’s right, nobody. This show’s so brave. Bravo, cbs… bravo!

“Untitled Rottenberg & Zuritsky project” – boy this genre of comedy is getting crowded! The fake non-title that is actually a title genre. This is cbs’ third in a row. The only problem with this one is the wacky names they chose. Rottenberg? Zuritsky? Sounds like a yakov smirnov joke set up. which is AWESOME! I like shows with problems that are hilarious like the one I mentioned. I mean having your show sound like a yakov smirnov joke is like having too much money… you can complain about it but you’d be a jerk!

“Untitled Tad Quill project” – I’ve been typing awhile and if they don’t care to name their shows, I’m not going to grace them with a proper review based on a mistaken understanding of their premise / auspices. 

Pilot Eavesdrop Breakdown Round 2 ABC Dramas

As a continuing part of my contribution to the post-pilot, pre-upfront time in the TV biz, this is the 2nd in a continuing series of posts about said pilots. this is round 2: ABC's Dramas. Round 1 can be found here and in case you're like "wtf is this" you can read an explain here or peep game on last year's ABC CBS and NBC pilot slates. 

The info below is based 100% on info i ear hustled at a lunch place near ABC studios, which also makes it 100% legit.

Drama at ABC is a treat this year. A lot of really accessible shows, none of which are called Castle. (Full disclosure, the character Castle is based off of in real life murdered my dog when I was four. Then, after years of therapy and counseling, I received a dog on my ninth birthday which he promptly murdered. So let’s just say my grudge against the fictional adaptation of that man is legitimate and not for something petty like – urrrrrrr I hate dirty blonds named after medieval architecture who also have writers block. Anyway. ABC Dramas

“Betrayal” – I think this one has some legs. It’s EP by Ice Cube and builds off the success of his two hit shows Black / White (from FX) and Are We There Yet (from TylerperryBroadcastingStation) and takes us into a heightened fictional world where we watch a first person drama unfold through the main character’s eyes (like Secret Girlfriend on Comedy Central). This character’s name: Trayal. He’s a black red-shirt freshman running back at a traditionally white school in the north east. It’s gritty, sometimes painful but it’s also really eye opening for the audience in what is widely considered to be a “post racial world.” Also, Tyler Perry plays the coach. If you can’t wait to Be Trayal, it shouldn’t be that much longer before they post the pilot online to watch as it’s “in the can” (an insider’s terminology indicating that, much like a soda, this thing is in a can waiting to be opened and effervesce. Just don’t shake it! LoL!!)

“Big Thunder” – this show seems outrageous. In a world where the Washington redskins and the Cleveland Indians are ridiculed for their caricaturish names and mascots on the grounds that they are racist and then Big Thunder comes along and makes them all seem tame. For those outside the know, this is a drama that takes place on an indian reservation in the desert that is losing money badly after their permit for a casino was denied. So, like any good Indians they decide to save the reservation. By stripping. But to set themselves apart from the other, better looking, better dancing native American strip troupes they decide to give the audience what they want: the big thunder. So, elevator pitch: Indian male strippers with hearts of gold.

“Doubt” – May 6 2013, write down the date because I’m predicting today that by September when this show becomes a hit, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale break up. To wit: because of this show (which Gavin is writing / EP). Basically it’s a show about a quirky rich lady who pays for friends to sit around and chat ala Real Housewives but they turn on her and start dissecting her stories only to discover they’re baseless lies because in reality she’s an agoraphobe.

“Gothica” – inside america’s first and only Goth prison riot. The first because goths weren’t a thing until the 90’s. the only because it’s still going on right now and so to save analytical space the prison riot record keeping office just folds all goth prison riots into the same file. It’s a riot of the week show, but super dark. I mean double super dark. Because goths.

“Influence” – this show is hard to explain. It’s one part drinking game, one part medical show and one part language learning. If you consider that carefully you’ll notice you just got three puns for the price of one (influence, influenza, in fluent).  Loud thunderous applause notwithstanding, this show doesn’t know what it is and that’s what will make it a big hit. There are so many access points (industry terminology for points of access) to this show that literally anyone can watch.

“Killer Women” – this drama is serious. A tunnel collapse traps an entire train full of women on their way to a nunnery in pre-WW2 Belgium. But when the lights are restored, one of them is dead. The murderer(s) are trapped with them and if they don’t figure it out before the end of the 6^th season (or in the movie), they’ll all be dead! Or trapped forever. Or there’s a smoke monster? Wrong! The ugly one did it. it’s like desperate-er housewives but with no dudes. No dudes at all. Just kidding. Sacha Baron Cohen is there as their eunuch caretaker.

“Lucky 7” – this one is adapted from an Israeli format (format is what they call television programs in Israel) of the same name. it’s about a magician who’s also a slot machine addict but it’s okay because sometimes he wins but even if he never wins, it’s penny slots and he invented the seven sided die. It’s a small show, kinda confined to the slot machine but he has esoteric dialogues with people at the neighboring machines which are ripped from the headlines, but ultimately it’s just some talky bullshit and every once in awhile he enters a slot machine tournament which is kind of exciting, but this show is kind of boring because how many slot machine tournaments can we watch before getting bored?

“Murder in Manhattan” – in a strange twist of fate, this one is exactly what it sounds like it will be just judging by the title alone. Which is of course a Prison drama centered around a quirky yet lovable special needs inmate lovingly referred to as “Murderin’ Man hat in,” on account of all the people he murdered by slicing open their abdomens and shoving their fedoras into the hole where the guts used to be because he listened to an Eminem record forward but at slow speed and that’s when the beat is morse code for “murder a bunch of people by slicing open their abdomens and then shove their fedoras into the hole where the guts should be, also buy coca cola.” The show will be cool because it is sponsored by coca cola.

“Reckless” – the story of a guy who gets in literally no car accidents even tho he drives a ton. He’s a meth-smoking truck driver from middle American who literally never gets into car accidents. I think this show will be huge because if there’s one thing dumbfucks from not LA or NYC like to do it’s watch other dumbfucks who don’t live in the only two cities that matter do their dumbfucking jobs like idiots because that’s literally all they know. so they’ll be all like “shuckie darn looka that tee vee program. That’s me! hyuck hyuck!” and then boom. 2 and a half men. This show will be a big HIT even tho he will never HIT anything with his truck, except a safe speed limit!

“The Returned” – another retail store drama coming out of the chick factory over at ABC. OY. like anyone wants to watch a bunch of waify actresses try and come of age despite their painfully menial job working the returns counter at Macy’s in Duluth. So what if it’s the flagship location of Macy’s? So WHAT, I said. This show has bore-fest all over it UNLESS they get macy’s to sponsor it, then it’ll be pretty cool.

“Carvel’s Agents of SHIELD” – It’s about time someone adapted the most dominant and well-known ice-cream cake characters into a tv show! THIS is brand fusion, people (brand fusion is an industry term about fusing brands)(together. you take one brand and you take another brand and you fuse them together.) I can’t wait to see Big Sammy Thick Shake, Fudgy the Whale and Cookie Puss try and save all the kids in the world from BORING cakes! I’m totally IN on this. like. literally I’m in on this. I have like 3 shares of stock in Carvel and I wrote a letter to the last gathering of shareholders (“Dear everyone else who owns shares in Carvel, howcome we don’t, like, have, like, more stuff on television!”)

“Westside” – there’s comedy, there’s drama and then there’s the third genre, which westside is INVENTING right before your very eyes here on ABC this fall. This show is revolutionary and is guaranteed a full season order (industry term for when tv shows order a whole full season) any day now. what’s it about? What’s this “third genre” I’ve been talking about? TUPAC. That’s right. This show is about Tupac and his love for the west side. You will not laugh because it is not comedy. You will not have a vested interest in the overcoming of a problem related to the central character because it is not a drama. You WILL, however, have pride in the west side because this show is a TUPAC. Sup now? yeah, I thought so. Also this show is sponsored by macy’s so it will be cool.

2013 Pilot Ear Hustle, breakdown and analysis. Round 1 - ABC Comedies.

Last year I had a great time lambasting the pilots every network was making, or at least what I thought would be the pilots other networks would be making. I was 100% correct as to which shows would make the cut and which shows would fall through the cracks and this year I'll be doing it again!

My plan is to spend a couple hours in bars and coffee shops near the big 5 studios to glean what each show is, what it's about, who's in it and what the inside track is, just like last year, then synthesize my own opinion and share it with you, the people.

Since my car is broken down in Burbank at the moment, I'm going to start with

ABC Pilots

Comedy

“Back in the Game” – I don’t get how this is a comedy, but Omar from the wire rises from the dead and… you guessed it, gets back in the game; robbing, killing, taunting the hood in B-more but this time without the frontal nudity, which is why David Simon is not on the project. He was really attached to Omar hangin dong and frankly, couldn’t see the humor in it without that giant obsidian pendulum.

“Bad management” – sounds a lot like the suits at ABC are trying to get in on the Under Cover Boss success, but just following around the CEOs of the following companies (none which have I ever publicly feuded with): Phillips, FEDEX, Wendy’s, EZ Lube? Just sounds like a boring show with shitty people making shitty decisions. But I guess if duck dynasty works this could too.

“Divorce: A Love Story” – This just shows the importance of proof-reading your title page. Divorce is not a love story. Divorce is the opposite of a love story. Had this writer or ANYONE for that matter checked this, it wouldn’t be such an embarrassment. I’d rather watch this than the other pitches they bought (“Death = life”, “hot ice”, and “Ally McBeal but not the one you’re thinking of”), but that still doesn’t mean it’s a show. they’re opposite! Is it about divorce or about love?! I’M CONFUSED.

“The Goldbergs” – I really like this idea. Like. a lot. Ok, let’s get real I love this idea. Bill Goldberg is one of the stand out NFL players turned wrestlers turned actors turned show creators in the history of entertainment and to see ABC giving him his shot at a family comedy is right on brand and BRILLIANT. “Bill Jr. Did you clean your room?” SPEAR! “Bill Wife did you spend too much money going shopping?” SPEAR! It writes itself and I can’t wait to watch!

“The Crazy Jean” – if I wasn’t clear when I walked out of sisterhood of the traveling pants I will revisit and spell it out. Denim is not a plot device. Just look at how to make it in America. Shows about jeans, even quirky jeans are destined to die a blue death and this one, about apparently the only jean that isn’t sane in a store full of folded jeans who will one day lead a revolution for indenimpendence just doesn’t have legs beyond the third episode. Sorry for saying that.

“Middle Age Rage” – I am not sure people want to see another sports comedy about an outlandish pitcher in the big leagues. Balfour is a great guy but he’s no Kenny Powers and certainly wont be able to get away with using metallica’s ONE in the opening title because I think metallica’s lawyers got an injunction prohibiting listening to any of their music in groups of more than 2 unless everyone paypals lars and the yelly one a dollar, and that’s what we in the industry call “a barrier to entry.”

“Mixology” – A period comedy about the first integrated bar in the south? I’m not totally confident in this pitch. I mean, black president, yes BUT didn’t ABC get tired of cramming their black agenda down our throats back when Urkel was a thing? I mean come on, ABC, get with it. you won. You got a black president now leave the rest of us in peace and stop this madness.

“Pulling” – finding nemo is funny, pumba and timon make up one of the best and well loved comedy duos since laurel and hardy, but a comedy about the only Ox on a human farm may seem a little bit desperate to cash in on the whole animated animal comedy. This will attract the migrant worker demo which has been a traditionally tough cookie to crack for advertisers and networks and could be a great launching pad, once it gets established, for another George Lopez comedy or something else incredibly great and super funny.

“Spy” – if you ever played the hit Nintendo game spy vs spy and LOVED it, but hated the violence and wished you could just see one of those pointy nosed bastards living his life despite the pure insanity of his career and his lack of family, than this is for you! and the cross branding is going to be awesome. Hats, trenchcoats, umbrellas, grenades… this show is a dream for merch!

“Super Fun Night” – Ah! A carry over from CBS last year. I recall thinking rebel Wilson was a tremendous talent and last year’s script was terribly underwritten and did not play to her strengths, or any conventional type of comedy at all, BUT this year’s had the same problems despite the project moving to the (alphabetically) superior network so I don’t know how this happened or what the point was at all. But yes, I will tune in to see rebel Wilson on horseback cracking jokes and slaying dragons.

“Trophy Wife” – this one made me laugh. I mean a lot of guys love their bowling awards but a comedy about a future where a man marries a trophy? SIGN ME UP! this is exactly what will happen once we let gays marry, then we’ll have to let dogs marry. Once we let dogs marry we’ll have to let plants marry, then soon it’s kevin james married to an exceptionally hot bowling trophy and the trials and tribulations associated therewith, so if you’re into cautionary tales this is your comedy!

“King John” – I don’t think this project will do King Ralph the justice it deserves.

DRAMA will follow later on.