Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Pilot Season Summary round 3 CBS Comedy

i got lucky today. i was waiting for a bus near the Grove, which i think is near where CBS is. I actually don't know. but i was in a bus shelter with the CBS logo on it (seriously, that thing is EVERYWHERE) and i got to over-hear basically their entire pilot collection from these other guys who were in the bus shelter. because it was RAINING, which is complete bullshit, but whatever. i pretended i wasn't listening to these dudes, but they straight up went through the entire line up of pilots and i took notes, in my head, as best i could while still pretending to not be listening.

at this point you're like "what? forreal?" and yes. this is real. start here for a quick explanation or hit up this post for links to the ABC analysis as well as last year's. but this year i'm onto CBS already with like 4 days to go! here's their comedy potential for this coming fall!

CBS Comedy – CBS comedy is always a mystery. I mean how are they so awesome at everything and it’s all so funny! This season seems to be another grand slam as far as any measure of success you can come up with.

“Bad Teacher” – this sounds so funny. I was watching Bad Teacher (the movie) the other day and it ended. That’s when I blacked out and woke up handcuffed to a table in Tijuana. You might infer to yourself quite reasonably, “Self, did greg get so angry at the fact that his favorite movie: bad teacher ended that he went into an incredible hulk type rage culminating in a dangerous and public arrest in Tijuana, Mexico?” and you’d be right. That is exactly what happened. So CBS is not only programming one of the most greatest TV shows of all time, but they’re also saving no less than 14 pugs and 9 pounds of cheeklay from utter oblivion as now that the movie never ends because now it’s a tv series, I wont hulk out and murder dogs and chew a bunch of bubblegum. A+

“Crazy Puns” – This seems like the coolest idea I’ve ever imagined. I’ve always been curious about the world of insane pun writing and this show will absolutely enlighten me on that fresh and brave world that lays just beneath 100% of every comedic anything in the history of the world: the pun. I want to see this show now. where do I line up? I wish I could write puns. If I had any talent at writing puns this would be a whole paragraph of cutesie turns of phrase so everyone would know how witty I am and how good I am at combining rhymes and pop-culture. Maybe after season 14 of Crazy Puns I’ll be better equipped to write one. *fingers crossed*

“Ex-Men” – I probably spoke too soon by saying the first two were the best comedies of the year. Clearly THIS is the best comedy of the year. Will Wesley Snipes, John Leguizamo and the Ghost of Patrick Swayze (or a hologram thereof) make a cameo in the pilot? I hope so. I do really hope so. To Wong Foo, thanks for everything, Julie Numar was the best movie of my childhood aside from Bad Teacher, but the only thing missing from it was a laugh track, which made it hard to know when I should laugh because laughing at the right time is very important to me expecially when I’m watching jokes about girls who used to be boys. I’m laughing already!

“Friends with Better Lives” – while this isn’t the BEST show on CBS this year, it still looks incredibly funny. I liked friends so much. Like when Ross and Rachel were in the planetarium and they were all making out and stuff but then Rachel popped a juice box on ross but she thought it was him pooping so she was all like ‘it’s ok,’ but then HE was all like ‘oh. uh uh.’ And then they kept making out. That was a really good scene and I miss it. So when I heard CBS was rebooting friends but would give them all better lives, I was all like “WOO HOO!” Rachel OWNS nordstroms. Monica has like 5 food trucks that make her a ton of money. Ross still teaches paleontology (that is a dope job and the best one that I can think of so his life was pretty good to begin with) but Ben (his kid) is a child actor so ross is super rich (even tho did you see his apartment? ‘spannnnnsive!). Phoebe wrote “call me maybe” AND “Friday” so she’s rolling in that youtube money. Joey choked on uncooked pepperoni at craft services for that show he came out to LA to do and won a ton of money in a settlement AND all the pizza he could eat for life so he’s pretty much set, which leaves chandler… could he HAVE a better life than the one we left him with at the end of friends? Yes. and he does now. Because that’s the fucking show. it’s friends… with better lives CBS this fall!

“Jacked Up!” – this one is one of those high concept comedies where I’m like “could this work?” and then I’m like “yuh!” (which is yeah and duh combined). This is just like “point break live”  but instead of it being based on Point Break (the Hollywood film) it’s based on New Jack City. The concept being that Wesley Snipes’ character is played by a different white actor every week. And they call him jack. So every week there’s a new jack in the city (new jack city) and though they’re doing the same lines every week, he (jack) is reading off of cue cards and doesn’t really know what’s going on so the story always gets jacked up (yuh!) and hilarity ensues. And if you watch this show and check in on getglue you get a free meatball sub from subway (eat fresh).

“Mom” – I think this is the closest thing to a misstep as CBS has made. It’s just a lot of baggage that comes with calling a show “mom.” I mean, let’s say someone had unrealistic standards placed on them by a woman of the same name / title and now we’re supposed to sit at home and watch that show named after HER and LAUGH?! More like rock ourselves to sleep while this show goes and has special time alone with her friends in las vegas and then the principal calls home because you haven’t gone to school in three weeks and then YOU have to go to jail? I thought this was America.

“The McCarthy’s” – I love jenny mccarthy. I definitely cannot wait for her family comedy where all the characters are like “modern medicine makes you sick!” and then die after like 2 episodes and then we just follow them in heaven where they teach God about religion but then he’s all like “you’re annoying lol” and then sends them to hell and then the mccarthy’s are all like “hey satan wanna know how to be evil? We know everything about everything better than the experts!” and then he’s all like “I’m satan so I like hell but now that they’re here I wanna go anywhere else.

“Super Clyde” – this highly anticipated project, a follow up to the hit film “superbad” from not too long ago where the fat ones go to college and the skinny one gets a porn subscription so they never see him anymore so the fat ones replace him with a new friend and then his name is clyde but there’s no real reason why there’s “Super” except kinda the song, maybe? But anyway, the fat ones make a new friend at college and he wears a cape and he’s clyde but he is not super. He’s a mutant and they met him in college and he lives in the dorms with them but he doesn’t actually have powers, he can only control the relation between time and space. No not like night crawler. Night crawler had super powers, super clyde does not have super powers, his mind can just do things beyond our comprehension.

“unauthorized greg garcia project” – I’m very excited about this show. first of all, I’m pretty great. second of all, I really like me. third thing: I’ve always wondered what it would be like if A I was Mexican or another type of Hispanic maybe, and B if people were all like “ima do a project about you, but I don’t have the authority!” so this project is 3 interesting points out of 3 possible points, which makes me excited because that’s 100% awesome, like me, who I am quite fond of. A+

“Untitled Jim Gaffigan Comedy” – This one had no title, but instead of calling it a project, they went out of their way to call it the untitled jim gaffigan comedy. This is how you know it’s going to be funny and not just some plotless half-written shameless attempt at riding the coattails of other comedians on other networks who take actual risks, and will be funny. This show will definitely not be a waste of time even though it may seem like they didn’t even give enough of a shit to give it a working title. I mean, who would want to watch a show that was called “Gaff-again!” or “Laffigan” or “Jim Gaffigan is in this show” back before anyone ever heard of it? that’s right, nobody. This show’s so brave. Bravo, cbs… bravo!

“Untitled Rottenberg & Zuritsky project” – boy this genre of comedy is getting crowded! The fake non-title that is actually a title genre. This is cbs’ third in a row. The only problem with this one is the wacky names they chose. Rottenberg? Zuritsky? Sounds like a yakov smirnov joke set up. which is AWESOME! I like shows with problems that are hilarious like the one I mentioned. I mean having your show sound like a yakov smirnov joke is like having too much money… you can complain about it but you’d be a jerk!

“Untitled Tad Quill project” – I’ve been typing awhile and if they don’t care to name their shows, I’m not going to grace them with a proper review based on a mistaken understanding of their premise / auspices. 

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