Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Pilot Season 2k13, analysis round number 4: CBS drama

The great part about life is how lucky you get. I was at a bus stop near the grove yesterday and got to listen in on a conversation about the CBS comedy pilots, and then I was visiting my grandparents' grave (via skype; they're buried in New Jersey) and the man at the neighboring computer in the PC Cafe was talking loudly on the phone to his assistant. mostly needed computer advice but between "what do you mean F 4? do you mean hit F and then 4?" and things like that they talked about all the Dramas at CBS. the drama pilots, not the bitchy assistants who keep a tmblr about the rest of the assistants. it's just commentary on their body mass indexes. not even a witty snaps book, just the ratios of their weight to their height.

Anyways, I got to listen to this guy talk about the pilots and then i got to go home and think some thoughts about what i heard and then i got to turn on my computer and type those thoughts. for those curious few here is my take on ABC Dramas ABC Comedies and if you're clever you can find last year's posts. hint. they're linked in the ABC drama header.

I will now get out of my own way and get down to it. the CBS Drama Pilots for fall 2013

“Advocates” – this show is RIGHT on time. with all the performance enhancing drug scandals of late this show will be totally on point and topical and I love when tv is both of those things. I first took advo when I was 19 and in college and trying to lose weight. I bought it from an advocate on campus at college. He was a strange dude and I remember going “man, I wish I had a tv on the off chance that someone would take this dude’s probably weird life, adapt it to a television show and then put that show onto the tv so I could watch and also not have to deal with this dude anymore. he keeps looking at my feet.”

“Anatomy of Violens” – this show seems like it’s a pretty thin premise. I mean you take one violen apart and see it’s insides to solve a crime you’d think that’d be pretty much the extent of the entire story, but to make a whole show about it? it’s like, hello? Criminals? Stop doing crimes that can be solved by taking apart a violen! Jeesh!

“Backstrong” – a thinly veiled adaptation of real life: a middle of the road professional athlete contracts wicked back cancer BUT defeats it (with or without the help of Advo, depending on if they only want to have 1 writer for both shows)(LOVE that idea) and then comes back to dominate the world in his sport for like 6 seasons and then 1 movie and then forever on syndication. This is a feel good story every week and will find a very desperate audience, as everyone knows at least one person with cancer and will probably donate money to keep this show on the air just so they can watch someone kick cancer’s ass every week!

“Beverly Hills Cop” – this is like Cops meets Housewives of Beverly hills, in other words: HOT HOT HOT! Who wouldn’t want to watch these hot, supple young idealistic police officers pulling over black people in nice cars for no reason (if you don’t think a black person in a nice car is reason enough to pull them over) and also have Persian men yell how they pay their salary and this ticket is nothing to them and they’ll have you fired (bro)? Trick question. Because nobody wouldn’t want to see that. This show is the American dream! It’s freedom at work! Jesus would watch this show if he came back and understood television.

“Host Ages” – I really admire CBS for taking this risk here. A lot of networks would be too shy or too territorial to invite mega-talent from other networks to their air, but CBS is all like, nope! we’re going to host a reality host hosting contest until we find the host of the ages now that dick clark is gone. So seacrest, carson daly, the weakest link lady, regis, drew carey, that morning show guy who pooped himself at the white-house and many MANY more are going to battle in a tournament style competition of hostingly specific duties, such as sending people home, telling people they’re safe, waiting a long time to say words, promising us something interesting is right on the other side of the break, asking a fictional tech person to turn down the lights and holding a microphone without bending your fingers (which for some reason is a thing), and many more! I can’t wait for this one. I’ve always wanted to know who was the best at it!

“Intelligence” – I hate this show. full disclosure I was forcibly removed from an intelligentsia café in culver city for allegedly disturbing the customers, which is bullshit because A why are they looking at my computer screen Mind your own business, fuckfaces! And B at the time it was my full time JOB to turn the 2 girls 1 cup video into GIF form, so quit trying to get in the way of my American dream, yo! Life liberty and the pursuit of happiness! (this was back in 2007 when 2 girls 1 cup was topical and not a fucked out joke premise *cough* Amy Schumer *cough*) but long story short, nobody wants to see a drama about the harrowing journey the fuckhats that run that stupid draconian café took to discover their magical coffee bean and proprietary roasting process, NOBODY!

“The Ordained” – if I had to choose between The or Dained, I’d totally go The, based pretty much only on the fact that I don’t know what it means to be dained but props to cbs for getting ontop of the choose your own adventure genre. I can’t want to text my suggestions for what the characters say next because I’ll be all like “make ‘em talk german!” because german sounds funny.

“Reckless” - I see CBS is also trying to get in on the Midwestern crack smoking truck driver with no accidents Genre. Or did CBS invent the genre? What? Who else’s mind just got blown?

“Second Sight” – This idea may be way off brand for CBS, I mean a hippie detective who has to smoke a bunch of drugs to use his third eye to solve crimes may be a cool idea on USA (that’s basically Psych, right?) but not on CBS! CBS is the home of Creative Broadcasting Solutions which clearly appeals to an older, wealthier, more intelligent audience with such hits as NCIS, NCIS LA, NCIS RED, NCIS NY, and my favorite show in the history of all time NCIS NCIS. Those aren’t cheap shows OR shows aimed at jobless drug addicted youth like this Second Sight garbage. Wait. I just had a thought. Today’s drug addled youth are tomorrow’s wealthy adults so this show would create a farm system for their target demo and get them used to watching the EYE while the EYE watches them. and who knows, maybe they’ll lose the remote and be too drugged up to figure how to change the channel without it?

“The Surgeon General” – Little known fact: in addition to being a lawyer and a slave owner, Robert E. Lee was also a surgeon. In fact, so often was he called into service as a surgeon that some revisionist historians are beginning to make the argument with good support that this is a leading reason the south lost the civil war. Not ineffective supply lines or the lack of true popular support or a particularly effective blockade by the north, but simply the fact that he was too often called away from his job as leader of the southern armies to perform surgery. So this show is about that conflict. He’s a surgeon, general and I think this is the strongest time period dramedy idea I’ve heard in a long time. because hilarity ensues. Did I mention hilarity ensues? It does.

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