Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Pilot Preview Round 5: THE CW!!

I had the good fortune of walking to work today. Unfortunately I twisted my ankle in front of a pre-school where one of the development executives for the CW works. No. not a development executive's kid, but an executive. she's like 5. and also a registered nurse. she treated my twisted ankle quite well while making small talk about her day job (she's just developing and nursing to pay the bills until she can get her big break in her dream career: Katy Perry. she wants to be Katy Perry when she grows up. i told her how you don't grow up and just be another person who was famous when you were a baby and i think i broke her. she wept, called me stupid said my test came back for cooties and ran inside.)(i hope she doesn't call my parole officer) but from what she said about the projects, i got enough to analyze what they probably will end up being.
ICYMI (CBS drama comedy ABC drama comedy Last year's ABC CBS & NBC)

“Blink” – if there’s one thing young people love it’s pop punk. So if you could somehow make a show about a pop-punk band without all the fucks that come with pop-punk you’d have BLINK. It’s BLINK 182 without all the fucks AND with younger, hotter, blacker haired actors playing the band as younger Tom Delonge, Mark Hoppus and Travis Thedrummer. This is super interesting to me as I used to be young and like looking at young people because I remember being young and wish I still was but also I’m ok not being young because I was fat then.

“Company Clown” – I think this is a huge score for the CW. Terry Tate: Office Linebacker was one of the better sketchmercials of all time and the fact that NOBODY jumped on it to develop it to a series is an abomination on the entire industry of entertainment. But now that I’ve heard these execs talk about company clown I’ve realized that perfection takes time and it clearly took ten full years to adapt that sketchmercial to a young, supple audience like the CW and what do young people like the most? Clowns! Who’s dream job is an office job that is boring and doesn’t pay that great? NOBODY’S! Nobody wants to watch their potential future as being boring or potentially soul-crushing BUT if there was only a show about a possible future where a company hires a clown to walk around and clown around with the employees, then there would still be hope. This is that show. It will give you hope.

“The 100” – Roger Maris had 61, McGwire had 70 and Bonds had 73. This show is a future baseball drama about the 4-way battle for 100 in everyone’s dream world where baseball season is 11 months long and steroids are legal /encouraged in order for baseball to maintain sports marketshare in light of truly gnarly sports like MMA and Waterboarding. Sounds dope, right? Well I haven’t even gotten to the hook. Here is the hook. Hook: baseball is played by young hot women because all the men went to go to play waterboarding and MMA. So it’s like a league of their own but with roids and smaller fields. Tom Hanks is producing / reprising his role as “pukey drunk coach.”

“The Originals” – finally! I’ve been waiting for a hipster drama starring really good looking young people since before it was cool. I hope lauren Conrad can be in this one as the gross older mom (what is she, like 30? YUCK!). this show is obviously the story of the earliest adapters in a town of hip and young and cool and wealthy kids who all have like, hot parents who are not old because old people are gross! So basically this show will tell us what’s cool to do and wear and think because we’ll want to be cool like the cool kids that were the original cool kids. Cool.

“Oxygen” – another obvious example of brand fusion! Oxygen (the cable network) is going to produce a 1 hour show to get young, hot girls who watch the CW to get ready to be old and gross and watch Oxygen by basically showing them stuff like how to be a lady and what schools are the best schools to go to if you want to be a real housewife and kegel exercises and what plastic surgeries are the best and also how to negotiate the terms of your own sex tape… basically everything you need to know to be a successful woman without all of that bullshit hard work and intelligence.

“Reign” – as a man named “greg” I’ve been waging a battle against the Silent G for my entire life and this is one area where I will not compromise. This show seems to deem some letters as superior to others and I find that offensive and in 2013 I demand equality. 1/26 for all. down with reign! I’d watch rain though. That sounds the same and is much less offensive and who wouldn’t tune in once a week for video of a compelling thunderstorm? Network: saved. You’re welcome CW.

“The Selection” – If road rules met hunger games BUT in a democracy and ONLY with young attractive females and males this would be that show. like america’s next top model but instead of us voting they’re competing to the death in mental challenges not unlike the word/ground puzzle in Indiana jones and the last crusade. There will be maths, literatures, and art histories quizzes but they’re all confined to swimwear because rules are rules! And then America votes based on who they like the best, not based on the premise of the show – which is a total rip off of the voice which is called the voice but then once they see the contestant they never vote for the adeles, only the whitneys. The selection’s ad campaign: no fat chicks. Hashtag CW.

“The Tomorrow People” – I don’t know if I can tune in every week for a show about a group of good looking young people who procrastinate until it’s almost too late but then finish right on time and with surprisingly decent results considering the lack of care they put into their project. Who am I kidding? It’s got the 4 things I look for in EVERY tv show: Good Looking Young People. I’ll tivo this one for sure. watch it when I have the time.

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