Fox comedies
“Dads” – Dads is a rough one. I mean, I’ve heard of dads,
and some of my friends had dads but a whole TV show about dudes telling you,
the viewer that you’re not good enough and blaming you for them losing their
job, getting dumped by their girlfriends, getting locked up for parole
violations and then just disappearing seems like a bit of a stretch beyond the
fourth season. How many weeks will viewers show up after being promised a sweet
new baseball glove or a ride on a motorcycle, but then all there is is nothing.
NOTHING. This show sucks. I hate you, Dad!
“Enlisted” – FOX has taken a BIG swing here and I really
appreciate that. David Letterman’s top ten list is the greatest comedy moment
in the history of language and to go behind the scenes like the hilarious “after
lately” does (goes behind the scenes on the hilariously hilarious Chelsea handler
show) and tell us stories about the people who tell us stories in a
semi-scripted show heavily focused on the top ten list writers and their
writing of the top ten lists every night is VERY appealing to me. Big swings
end up with Big hits and that is what this show will be.
“Friends and Family” – talk about brand fusion, ! boom
revolution brand fusion! Friends and family is that one show tv fans couldn’t
have even dreamt about when we were kids because data plans and cell phone
minutes were science fiction let alone a shared data / minutes usage plan that
allows you to call your friends and family for free and text them for free and
send them emails for free is BOOM brand fusion masterpiece advertising!
AT&T has never produced a TV show before and this prospect is really
exciting. (BUT GREG HOW IS THIS A COMEDY? Uh. Aren’t your friends and family
hilarious? so are everyones. It’ll probably be a lot of funny phone calls among
people with shared histories. YAY)
“The Gaybriels” – I’m lost. I’m so lost. three strong ones
and then this anti-prop 8 bullshit showing us how happy a gay family can be? I thought
this was entertainment not an election! Plus if you’ve ever read that one part
in the bible about being gay and how that’s wrong you’d know that being gay is
wrong! If this show makes air all of our kids will be doing drugs and behaving
homosexually. Shame on you, fox. Shame. On. You.
“I suck at Girls” - what?
Girls is not a verb.
“Assistants” – Here’s fox’s attempt to appeal to the little,
nameless scumbags that fuck up your commute every morning and park in your
space and burn your fucking coffee: assistants. Or as I refer to them: Ass
Ants. Because they’re miniscule and butt-like and also have freakish strength
to body-weight ratios. This show will probably give a couple of them names and
show how much they’re willing to be shitty at everything for a chance to be a
boss one day but what they don’t know, and this is a huge secret that I’ll
probably get murdered by the iluminati for revealing, but what they don’t know
is that there’s a secret caste system at play in business. Sure some people
cross over (see: Night Shift) but for the most part you will always be your
first job unless Jamiroquai (the puppet master reincarnate) wills you to
ascend.
“Two Wongs” – this can’t be another to wong foo joke, though
I am fond of those. This one’s going racial. Two wongs is CLEARLY about to Asian
people both named Wong and there are two of them. Did I mention the total count
of “wongs” in this show is 2? I would’ve called it wong squared, wong by wong,
or double dragon. This show is a funny one because I know the guys it’s based
off of. Oddly enough freddy wong and his brother jimmy wong both used to be DJs
at Crazy Girls which is a titty-bar. And if you think they didn’t have some
hilarious comedic romps that would be rife with televisual excapades, you’d be
Wong.
“Brooklyn 9-9” – this is a classic story that I grew up with
and I’m glad to see someone finally had the courage to adapt it to a comedy
series. For those who don’t know, Brooklyn 9-9 is about the building of the Brooklyn
bridge, the politics and financing and tammany hall being what it was, the
bridge building was no small feat and for those vote-buffs out there you’ll
know that the first vote in the Wards went 9-9. A deadlock. The story goes, if I
remember it correctly as I haven’t heard it since kindergarten, that after the
deadlock vote, Boss Tweed went from house to house of the 9 dissenters and
murdered them in their beds, then called a re-vote and the bridge was passed.
Such a feel good story about perseverance and dedication and kids will learn a
lot from it on Saturday mornings.
And Now the Dramas
“Boomerang” - Usually
I don’t go for reboots but boomerang really really hits a soft spot inside of
me. that soft spot is my Paul Hogan soft spot. If FOX ran this for their entire
lineup, I would watch. That’s 16.5 hours of Crocodile Dundee every week and I am
not exaggerating or comically overstating my love for crocodile Dundee. I could
watch this man do anything ESPECIALLY use his boomerang to capture bounties
like dog the bounty hunter. Will he have an obnoxious sloppy female counterpart
with way too much body / hair / nails? Maybe. I don’t care. I’m signing up for
a season pass on my DVR and I WILL find a way to snort it.
“Delerium” – Speaking of snorting it, delirium. In a world
where drugs are not illegal and are in fact: legal, there are some who choose
to be sober and the police then track them down and make them do drugs. They
call them “Detoxes” and carry around syrettes of morphine and sometimes they dose them and
kill them on accident. So there’s a revolutionary group of detoxes who are
leading the sobriety movement and they all know drunken master kung fu (Jackie Chan
is their leader) (Jet Li is in it too)(Also Jason Statham) and they smoke
herbal cigarettes and drink coca cola out of brown bags so nobody knows they’re
sober and they drink water out of vodka bottles so people think they’re
drinking. It’s a wild world and we’ll get to live in it for 44 minutes a week. It’s
also sponsored by coke, which is cool.
“Gang Related” – this is a fun dramedy. It’s an adaptation
of CSI Miami’s horatio mcpoliceguy. He moves to CSI los angeles but then gets
transferred to FOX where he is murder police but still in los angeles. He goes
to the roughest hoods to investigate crimes but every crime he sees he just
racistly stands up and declares “I think this one’s” then he whips off his
sunglasses and stares RIGHT DOWN THE LENS and says, “GANG RELATED” because not
only is the murder the fault of a gang but since they’re in a poor neighborhood
he assumes the victim is also related to someone in a gang and then the rest of
the show that week is him in sensitivity training.
“Human” – I love electronic dance music and I love FOX’s
idea here to bring daft punk to the small screen. They’re like the blueman
group but instead of instruments they play computers and remix stuff! This is
so clearly the replacement for American idol that I don’t even know what else
to say. It’s a shoe in for a coke sponsorship / presidential award of merit.
“The Lisp” – this is another foray into the gay world for
fox, documenting a speech therapist who solves crimes using speech pathology.
Tim Roth plays a wise beyond his class cockney brit speech therapist who
dissects speech patterns to determine crime-ability with stunning results. Also,
he’s gay, so it has that thing going for it. a gay main character. Hope Tim
Roth has his emmy polish ready….
“Brake” – again fox shows its true colors by going after its
true base: day laborers. Specifically auto-mechanics. Think about it: if half
the fucking auto-mechanics in half the fucking cities of the USA would watch
this show, tell one friend each who told one friend about their friend who is a
mechanic and recommended this show this thing would be a hit! We’re talking like
a ratings bonanza! I mean ratings like “Bonanza” which was another show that
was once on tv and had good ratings. I think Patrick duffy was in it. he’s in
brake too. he’s the show’s name sake: the handsome white former 4th
man on the USA Olympic bobsled team also known as: the brake man” because he
operates the brake. He comes home from park city after a bronze medal and can’t
find work so he has to sweep floors for $20 a day at his cousin’s auto-body
shop in Anaheim. Sounds like a great show to me, as Patrick duffy is very
handsome.
“Sleepy Hollow” – this one has a lot of hype on it. it’s
about a hypersomniac with no organs and he wanders the world on foot and meets
interesting people and helps them solve problems with their lives. It’s like
quantum leap but instead of traveling through time and space as the result of
an accident he just walks. So it’s like kung fu but a lot less fighting and a
lot more talking. Full disclosure: I’ve never seen kung fu, so if there is no
actual fighting in a show named after a fighting style, then ignore the last
comment about this show having less fighting. Also if the network execs back
then had the courage to name a show after a fighting style and then have no
fighting in said show, I’d be super impressed.
“The Wild Blue” – Blue crush? Blue crush 2? Blue Streak? No.
The Wild Blue. Martin Lawrence goes under cover as a female professional surfer
in a police station to recover a cache of turquoise he hid under the sea that
now happens to be under the world’s first surfpolice station. Justin Theroux is
directing the pilot, it should be a dandy… almost a guaranteed pickup.
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