Friday, May 10, 2013

Pilot Round Up Cowboy Round 7: FOX

Believe it or not FOX's announcements earlier this week were a major shock to me. I thought they were going to hold out announcing until their upfront presentation next week but I suppose they had different plans. So now that you know what all the real shows are and whether or not they were ordered or not, here is the whole slate where the series pitch is jokingly extrapolated from the title (admittedly sometimes it's the title with a typo that tees it up easier for me) and then analyzing the made up series pitch. read the rest of the networks' stuff ABC Comedies ABC dramas CBS comedies CBS dramas THE CW!!! NBC comedy and drama

Fox comedies
“Dads” – Dads is a rough one. I mean, I’ve heard of dads, and some of my friends had dads but a whole TV show about dudes telling you, the viewer that you’re not good enough and blaming you for them losing their job, getting dumped by their girlfriends, getting locked up for parole violations and then just disappearing seems like a bit of a stretch beyond the fourth season. How many weeks will viewers show up after being promised a sweet new baseball glove or a ride on a motorcycle, but then all there is is nothing. NOTHING. This show sucks. I hate you, Dad!

“Enlisted” – FOX has taken a BIG swing here and I really appreciate that. David Letterman’s top ten list is the greatest comedy moment in the history of language and to go behind the scenes like the hilarious “after lately” does (goes behind the scenes on the hilariously hilarious Chelsea handler show) and tell us stories about the people who tell us stories in a semi-scripted show heavily focused on the top ten list writers and their writing of the top ten lists every night is VERY appealing to me. Big swings end up with Big hits and that is what this show will be.

“Friends and Family” – talk about brand fusion, ! boom revolution brand fusion! Friends and family is that one show tv fans couldn’t have even dreamt about when we were kids because data plans and cell phone minutes were science fiction let alone a shared data / minutes usage plan that allows you to call your friends and family for free and text them for free and send them emails for free is BOOM brand fusion masterpiece advertising! AT&T has never produced a TV show before and this prospect is really exciting. (BUT GREG HOW IS THIS A COMEDY? Uh. Aren’t your friends and family hilarious? so are everyones. It’ll probably be a lot of funny phone calls among people with shared histories. YAY)

“The Gaybriels” – I’m lost. I’m so lost. three strong ones and then this anti-prop 8 bullshit showing us how happy a gay family can be? I thought this was entertainment not an election! Plus if you’ve ever read that one part in the bible about being gay and how that’s wrong you’d know that being gay is wrong! If this show makes air all of our kids will be doing drugs and behaving homosexually. Shame on you, fox. Shame. On. You.

“I suck at Girls”  - what? Girls is not a verb.

“Assistants” – Here’s fox’s attempt to appeal to the little, nameless scumbags that fuck up your commute every morning and park in your space and burn your fucking coffee: assistants. Or as I refer to them: Ass Ants. Because they’re miniscule and butt-like and also have freakish strength to body-weight ratios. This show will probably give a couple of them names and show how much they’re willing to be shitty at everything for a chance to be a boss one day but what they don’t know, and this is a huge secret that I’ll probably get murdered by the iluminati for revealing, but what they don’t know is that there’s a secret caste system at play in business. Sure some people cross over (see: Night Shift) but for the most part you will always be your first job unless Jamiroquai (the puppet master reincarnate) wills you to ascend.

“Two Wongs” – this can’t be another to wong foo joke, though I am fond of those. This one’s going racial. Two wongs is CLEARLY about to Asian people both named Wong and there are two of them. Did I mention the total count of “wongs” in this show is 2? I would’ve called it wong squared, wong by wong, or double dragon. This show is a funny one because I know the guys it’s based off of. Oddly enough freddy wong and his brother jimmy wong both used to be DJs at Crazy Girls which is a titty-bar. And if you think they didn’t have some hilarious comedic romps that would be rife with televisual excapades, you’d be Wong.

“Brooklyn 9-9” – this is a classic story that I grew up with and I’m glad to see someone finally had the courage to adapt it to a comedy series. For those who don’t know, Brooklyn 9-9 is about the building of the Brooklyn bridge, the politics and financing and tammany hall being what it was, the bridge building was no small feat and for those vote-buffs out there you’ll know that the first vote in the Wards went 9-9. A deadlock. The story goes, if I remember it correctly as I haven’t heard it since kindergarten, that after the deadlock vote, Boss Tweed went from house to house of the 9 dissenters and murdered them in their beds, then called a re-vote and the bridge was passed. Such a feel good story about perseverance and dedication and kids will learn a lot from it on Saturday mornings.
And Now the Dramas

“Boomerang” -  Usually I don’t go for reboots but boomerang really really hits a soft spot inside of me. that soft spot is my Paul Hogan soft spot. If FOX ran this for their entire lineup, I would watch. That’s 16.5 hours of Crocodile Dundee every week and I am not exaggerating or comically overstating my love for crocodile Dundee. I could watch this man do anything ESPECIALLY use his boomerang to capture bounties like dog the bounty hunter. Will he have an obnoxious sloppy female counterpart with way too much body / hair / nails? Maybe. I don’t care. I’m signing up for a season pass on my DVR and I WILL find a way to snort it.

“Delerium” – Speaking of snorting it, delirium. In a world where drugs are not illegal and are in fact: legal, there are some who choose to be sober and the police then track them down and make them do drugs. They call them “Detoxes” and carry around syrettes  of morphine and sometimes they dose them and kill them on accident. So there’s a revolutionary group of detoxes who are leading the sobriety movement and they all know drunken master kung fu (Jackie Chan is their leader) (Jet Li is in it too)(Also Jason Statham) and they smoke herbal cigarettes and drink coca cola out of brown bags so nobody knows they’re sober and they drink water out of vodka bottles so people think they’re drinking. It’s a wild world and we’ll get to live in it for 44 minutes a week. It’s also sponsored by coke, which is cool.

“Gang Related” – this is a fun dramedy. It’s an adaptation of CSI Miami’s horatio mcpoliceguy. He moves to CSI los angeles but then gets transferred to FOX where he is murder police but still in los angeles. He goes to the roughest hoods to investigate crimes but every crime he sees he just racistly stands up and declares “I think this one’s” then he whips off his sunglasses and stares RIGHT DOWN THE LENS and says, “GANG RELATED” because not only is the murder the fault of a gang but since they’re in a poor neighborhood he assumes the victim is also related to someone in a gang and then the rest of the show that week is him in sensitivity training.

“Human” – I love electronic dance music and I love FOX’s idea here to bring daft punk to the small screen. They’re like the blueman group but instead of instruments they play computers and remix stuff! This is so clearly the replacement for American idol that I don’t even know what else to say. It’s a shoe in for a coke sponsorship / presidential award of merit.

“The Lisp” – this is another foray into the gay world for fox, documenting a speech therapist who solves crimes using speech pathology. Tim Roth plays a wise beyond his class cockney brit speech therapist who dissects speech patterns to determine crime-ability with stunning results. Also, he’s gay, so it has that thing going for it. a gay main character. Hope Tim Roth has his emmy polish ready….

“Brake” – again fox shows its true colors by going after its true base: day laborers. Specifically auto-mechanics. Think about it: if half the fucking auto-mechanics in half the fucking cities of the USA would watch this show, tell one friend each who told one friend about their friend who is a mechanic and recommended this show this thing would be a hit! We’re talking like a ratings bonanza! I mean ratings like “Bonanza” which was another show that was once on tv and had good ratings. I think Patrick duffy was in it. he’s in brake too. he’s the show’s name sake: the handsome white former 4th man on the USA Olympic bobsled team also known as: the brake man” because he operates the brake. He comes home from park city after a bronze medal and can’t find work so he has to sweep floors for $20 a day at his cousin’s auto-body shop in Anaheim. Sounds like a great show to me, as Patrick duffy is very handsome.

“Sleepy Hollow” – this one has a lot of hype on it. it’s about a hypersomniac with no organs and he wanders the world on foot and meets interesting people and helps them solve problems with their lives. It’s like quantum leap but instead of traveling through time and space as the result of an accident he just walks. So it’s like kung fu but a lot less fighting and a lot more talking. Full disclosure: I’ve never seen kung fu, so if there is no actual fighting in a show named after a fighting style, then ignore the last comment about this show having less fighting. Also if the network execs back then had the courage to name a show after a fighting style and then have no fighting in said show, I’d be super impressed.

“The Wild Blue” – Blue crush? Blue crush 2? Blue Streak? No. The Wild Blue. Martin Lawrence goes under cover as a female professional surfer in a police station to recover a cache of turquoise he hid under the sea that now happens to be under the world’s first surfpolice station. Justin Theroux is directing the pilot, it should be a dandy… almost a guaranteed pickup.

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