Monday, July 18, 2011

Freelance News Writer Application for Onion News Network

Story/segment ideas
  1. Tech watch segment on EA games new sports game titled “The Playground,” rated E for everyone, where you build a character and lead him or her around a playground.
  2. Human Interest piece on a Nobel Prize winning mathematician who devised a formula to equate the height of someone’s truck, their MPG and penis size.
  3. Failing Actors hold meeting in West Hollywood to discuss whether or not acting in herpes commercials will benefit their career to the point where it outweighs the damage done to their sex lives.
  4. Union representatives go on strike ending public relation campaign regarding current teamster strike, workers confused.
  5. Barack Obama… boxer BRIEFS!
  6. Meth addicts march on Washington demanding legalization.
  7. Old satellite long thought lost rejoins earth’s orbit with strange bumper stickers.
  8. Parking officer tickets himself to set an example.
  9. Carpal Thumbal syndrome: one of the many hidden dangers of text messaging.
  10.  Storm hits, leaves levee standing in rural Mississippi: Army Corps of Engineers baffled.

Rachel Ray Endorsement Proves Frighteningly Important.  Rachel Ray has endorsed a candidate and immediately that candidate's popularity surges a shocking amount. The power of Rachel Ray has some frightened about the state of American politics.

Food Network megastar Rachel Ray finally declared her support of Presidential Candidate Barak Obama this morning on Regis and Kelly, we join Onion News Network Political Editor John Torey live from the Race 2K8 desk , John?

That’s correct, Superstar Rachel Ray made the promise today on Regis and Kelly that, quote, “I am die hard Obama! In fact, if McCain wins, I’ll retire from public life completely and without a fight,”

As you can see this monumental promise has caused incomprehensible numbers of people to register to vote at local post offices, libraries and college campuses. Leader of the Rachel Ray  (go away!) coalition Travis Langness said it best at their news conference earlier.

(SOT – Travis Langness – Rachel Ray (go away!) coalition leader: If it takes four more years of awful leadership, lies to the American people, countless unnecessary deaths and an unfathomable national debt to get this soul leaching waste of social security off of our airwaves, we are for it!)

We’ll stay right here at the downtown courthouse and monitor this situation closely, back to you in the studio.

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